We’ve been using this around the office for about a week, and I would be thrilled if it made it into the public lexicon. We got it straight from this hilarious Macworld article.

“screw the nano”

(“scrue the NAno”)

interj.

Used to express an (usually self deprecating) emotional outburst that goes against all known reason. Used while speaking your mind, even though what you’re saying may actually be false, or at least show an extreme bias.

examples:

“Yes, I know smoking causes cancer, but screw the nano! I’m smoking anyway!”

“Aw man, the Patriots won again? Tom Brady sucks! Screw the nano!”

“You’re not really supposed to format CSS like that, but screw the nano! Who listens to a thousand songs anyway?”

Now that I’ve finally (after years and years) got a Powerbook, I’m compiling a list of everything I want to do with OSX that I’ve never been able to do before with Windows. At least easily, and without having to install multiple development environments.

What to Do With My New Powerbook

-Install and start using Quicksilver.

-Learn to program with Ruby.

-Put all my old CDs and mp3s into an iTunes library.

-Create and use widgets.

-Become a l33t Terminal user.

-Get an iLife.

There’s got to be tons more. If you’re a Mac Cultist, and you know something else I should do with my new Powerbook that I can’t do (easily) with Windows, send ideas to me at mike@mikeschramm.com and I’ll put them up here.

The highly respectable Ben adds:

“-use an operating system that doesn’t crash

-get pissed off when programs that run on windows don’t run on mac [mike: one of the only things I will really, really miss about windows]

-match your ipod with your computer

-watch Steve Jobs eagerly as he presents new gadgets every quarter that you will be tempted to buy”

Although I argue that last one doesn’t require owning a Mac. Anyone can drool over Apple’s new stuff anytime they want.

I’d write something really long for you today, but I’m too busy setting up my new Powerbook.

That’s right, baby, I’m a new Mac daddy. Everybody gets a cigar. I’ll talk to you after I’ve configured my iTunes library, installed iWork, and even setup my new iSight. It’s a whole new world out there.

Demi and Ashton’s Vows

“Do you, Ashton, vow to be a moron forever, slowly falling into obscurity through a series of unfunny comedies, and forever attempting, unsuccessfully, to bank on your annoying frat boy looks and disarming hypocritically punked attitude? Do you promise, in good times or bad, to use your sitcom clout to produce as lame WB shows any crap that you and your friends think up while sitting around high? And do you anticipate the chance to grow together, at least until you get caught in the Dolce bathroom with a Playmate, get kicked back out on the curb, and have to buy your own multimillion dollar couch to sleep on?”

“I do.”

“And do you, Demi, vow to keep pushing the forty that you hit three years ago, to keep making terrible movies ever since A Few Good Men, and keep disrespecting the great and almighty John McClane by hanging out with this boy of a man? Do you promise to love, serve, and obey Kutcher as long as it keeps you in the tabs, and to give up any dignity you once earned from making out with Whoopi Goldberg and Swayze at the same time? And what about Rumer?! Her stepdad and her are only 10 years apart! If so answer, I do.”

“I do.”

“Then, by the powers given me by the state of California, I now prounced you punk’r and washed up movie star. You may now make out with the bride. Don’t forget to pick up your divorce papers near the door on the way out.”

So at my new job, we’ve installed AIM, to communicate with each other and with readers of the website we publish. Yesterday, I got a sales message from a guy on there, and I politely declined. Today, he messaged me again. To talk about Jackie Chan’s new movie.

(Of course, I added all the links. Those were not in the original conversation. Also, I changed his name to “Joe” so nobody else can bother him. I think “true man” movies are like “action” movies in China.)

A Review of Jackie Chan’s New Movie, By My New Chinese Friend

Joe: Hi see you again :)

Me: hi

Joe: do you know anything about Chinese film star Jacky Chen?

Me: i do, he’s cool

Joe: he showed a new film myth

Me: you saw it?

Joe: just now

Me: where at?

Joe: I am Chinese

Me: oh cool

Joe: In China now today is the first day to show his new film

Me: did you like it?

Joe: of course~~~ I love him very much , funny and exciting

Me: very cool, hopefully it will get a release in the us

Joe: yes surely you will feel and have the same feeling with me

Joe: but today he is so old now

Me: yeah he’s getting older

Me: i heard he didn’t do as many stunts as other movies

Joe: which film star do you like best?

Joe: yes the age blunts his action, the year takes his vigor away

Me: i’m a big fan of gary oldman

Joe: verysorry, I am not familiar of foreign stars enlish name, But I know their Chinese version coule you say the full name of him?

Me: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000198/

Joe: Let me see

Me: yeah, he’s not a very big star

Me: but he’s a good actor

Joe: the man who changes into wolf? in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Me: yeah

Joe: wooh many famous films he joined in, these things proved that he is really good

Me: yeah he’s been in a lot of good movies, and he’s really different in every one

Joe: which aspects?

Me: oh, he does different accents, he looks different. it took me about five movies to realize he was the same guy

Joe: true man he looks like, I wish I could be

Me: so what other movies do you like?

Joe: just a little, but I collected all films of Jacky Chen and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Joe: I like true man

Joe: It seems you are very busy, so I do not trouble you any longer, have a fresh day.:) see you

Me: talk to you later

So I went to see Sigur Ros at the Chicago Theater last night.

The opening group was actually the string quartet part of the band, seperately called Amina. They were four girls from Iceland who use everything from a thumb piano (which I had a little bit of experience with myself in high school) to wineglasses to what looked like a hot Powerbook (it churned out phat beats, yo). One of the girls was a maniac on the saw. They didn’t get much love from the lights or sound people, but I liked the few songs they did a lot. Very inventive– it was actually neater to watch then I think it might be to listen to.

After they finished, Sigur Ros came on with what ended up being a very multimedia show. They started with a scrim in front of the stage, and lights slowly casting their shadows in different colors on it. At the end of the first song, the scrim raised, and what followed was a cascade of sound that didn’t stop once the whole night. Their music is original. It’s varied, and rhythmic, but in a different way than you usually think of rhythmic. It’s tribal, but in an Icelandic sort of way.

In fact, it’s very dark, and melancholy. Songs start with a tone or two, sustained, and then build, and grow, until the lead singer is repeating a single phrase in Icelandic over and over while the keyboardist, bassist, quartet, and drummer bang away in their own places in the background. It’s strange, because even with all that going on, it’s all very solitary. Sitting in the crowd (and we were sitting, strange for a rock show), things melt away quite a bit. It’s just you with this sound they’re pouring out, and the sounds are almost so unfamiliar and foreign that you become alone, with yourself, trying to decipher what’s coming at you.

Of all things, I thought of Hurricane Rita. During one of the songs by Amina, I first thought of them as rain. Little plinkets of sound drop one by one, and then start melding and falling together, until you’re in a real downpour of sound. And Sigur Ros was even more torrential– great sheets of tune and melody crashed across that stage the whole time. And I thought of Hurricane Rita, which is right now, as I write, currently whirling away out there in the Gulf. Have you seen that thing? It’s practically the size of the entire Gulf. It’s sucking up water, pouring it back out, twisting waves and spilling around. I thought of what it would be like to be there, alone, in Rita, drenched in rain and pushed by the wind, in the middle of an undeniable force, as I listened to Sigur Ros.

There’s a thing I do while driving called Stealth Mode. I’d like to think I created it, but I’m not entirely sure where I got it from. It’s where you’re driving on a back road all alone at night, with no lights around, and you really quickly reach down and turn off your cars’ lights. Yes, it’s dangerous, but what you get out of it is a feeling of being alone, in the middle of nowhere, and speeding along a path that you can’t see anymore. You’re in the middle of something you can’t control. Something really powerful.

That’s what I think it would be like to be in the middle of Hurricane Rita right now. Right in the midst of one of the most powerful forces on the planet, constantly churning and feeding on itself and swelling up to massive size. And it’s dangerous, because you know that come Saturday, all that force is going to pound into the coast, and tear up as many lives as it can.

I thought of all this because Sigur Ros is just like that. It was unleashed, unwielded, powerful music. It was huge, and misunderstood, and out of control. And I think that its size, and the fact that it was out of control, just like the gigantic storm that’s about to crush the lower half of our country again– I think that it’s those things that made it so beautiful.

YARRRR MATEY! Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Good news, landlubbers. I be winning Sigur Ros tickets, and attendin’ their music show on Wednesday! Yo ho! I be writin’ up a review on Thursday, ‘n’ cut my throat if’n’ I don’t!

Today for the aforementioned Vocal Holiday, I be writin’ you a true story about me real life. Only I’ll be doin’ it in the speech of the Seven Seas! Ye better enjoy it, or it’s the plank you’ll be walkin!

The Story of Captain Schramm and the Black Cat!

Aye, lads. It was four days ago. I was sitting on the deck of the Marie Elena, playing my favorite pasttime. Why, it’s gin rummy, don’t you know, my scurvy rats.

All sudden like, there come from me port side, a cry like a banshee from the Arabian hell. I jumped up with a start, and pounded my peg leg out of my chambers.

It was me roommate. “Cap’n',” he cried. “Thar be a visitor on the back deck! It’s a witty cur!”

“A witty cur!” I exclaimed. “Great Jonas and the Whale! Ye mean it’s a little cat?”

“Aye, Cap’n',” said the roommate. “A black cat! On our back deck!”

Well, lads, your Cap’n’ knows what he likes, and he likes cats, as the banner of this very ship will show. So your faithful Cap’n’ steps his peg leg back out onto the wooden deck, and lo and behold, what is there but a little black cat. The kitty steps right up to me and wraps hisself around my legs, purring with joy.

I asked the roommate whose might it be, and he said he didn’t know. We though maybe it might belong to the landlubbers downstairs, but when we knocked on their door, they answered that the cat wasn’t theirs either. Well, lads, your handsome Cap’n’ wasn’t sure where the cat belonged, but it was very cute, and very happy hanging out with your Cap’n’.

Now, a little bit o’ intelligence about the Cap’n’s roommate. He ain’t much of a sailor– can’t have been in more than five or six ports of trade in his scurvy life. And he’s been told by the ship’s doctor (whoever that may be) that he be allergic to the more domestic of the beasts. That is, members of the housecat and canine family. So, although the suggestion was passed from your Cap’n’ that we let the cat stay on the ship, the roommate flatly refused, on accounta medical conditions. Arrrr matey, if’n’ ye ask me, medical conditions be a term thought up by those who been afraid o being keelhauled one too many times. But I be a considerate Captain, so I keep me opinions to me handsome self.

And so out it goes with the cat. I grabbed a bowl and milk and gave ‘em a meal before he go, and he licked it up with abandon. ‘E was a little thing, totally black, with the cutest green eyes, and little paws with claws intact. Arrrrr, mateys but that be a cute cat.

And so, milk finished, your faithful Cap’n’ turned the kitty out. I took him downstairs, opened the door and beckoned him leave the ship. He stayed for a bit– he enjoyed rubbing up against your Cap’n’s pegleg, and your Cap’n’ must admit he found it hard to stop petting the little swabber. But came the time he had to walk the plank, and so I picked him up and put him outside. He stopped there for another minute or so, and listened out into the darkness. If your Cap’n’ didn’t know better, he would think the little guy was kind of scared to go. It was dark in the night, and not a night to be made to walk the plank, mayhaps to end up in Davy Jones’ locker. But he could not be let back inside, on accounta the medical condition, so your Cap’n’ closed the door and returned upstairs.

The next day, I made me way down the stairs to take the trash out. Right before I made to open the door, I thought about what I would do if the kitty was still there. If he hadn’t left, if he hadn’t had anywhere to go the night before– if he was still outside, then I figures the roommate wouldn’t have any argument, that the cat would have to come in, that the little black kitty would have to stay here on the ship with the roommate and I.

Your Cap’n’ sighed, and opened the door.

The kitty was gone.

Your Cap’n’ tried not to look around for it as he threw the trash away. But he did, one more time, before closing the door and heading back upstairs. Arrrr mateys, but that cat was cute.

Yep, just like that we’re green. Behold the power of CSS knowledge. Neat, huh?

Not sure why.

But I think it’s because of Fall. But Mike, you say, green is a Spring-y color. It should have been orange, maybe a jack-o-lantern or something. This is what you’re saying to me.

Nah, I reply. I like green right now, as we roll into fall. Green is the air getting thicker and cooler. Green is the rain rolling out of the north and bringing with it cool air for what seems like the first time in years.

Green is football, the grass squishing between your cleats as you center yourself in the formation and get ready to play hard. Green is the return of school, green books and green posters, green blackboards and green sweaters. Fall is the color of brown leaves, but to me it’s the color of first loves and first kisses. Late night meetups after the football game, early nights of homework and studying. New outfits, new friends. That smell in the air that winter is coming, that, even though new things are showing up in the weather, lots of things are ending. And for some reason, all of this, to me, says green.

Well, that, and there’s a kitty in the picture up top. Look at him! He could beat that big ugly cat for sure.

So. Green. Enjoy.

This afternoon, I saw this post on Craigslist (recorded here for posterity):

Free Sigur Ros Tickets
So, here’s what you have to do… Send me a short essay (500 words or less) on why you feel you should receive the tickets. Tell me about yourself, your musical tastes, a funny anecdote from your life, whatever you feel like sharing. I will select the most impressive essays by Monday morning and if one of those essays happens to be yours, you will receive an invitation to attend the show for free with me. No strings attached.

I sent my essay in this afternoon. Does it make sense? Does it matter? I’ll let you know if I win.

My Attempt at Sigur Ros Tickets

I’m in the park the other day, and I see this rabbit. It’s totally white, which I think is weird, because come on, we live in Chicago, you know? How can a rabbit stay totally white? Even if it doesn’t bother with the normal rabbit rolling in the hay (they do a lot of that, I hear), it has to get a little dirty sometimes, running from dogs or whatever city rabbits do. But no, this one in front of me is totally, completely white.

And it looks at me. Like right at me. Animals, especially city animals, usually don’t care who the hell you are, unless you’ve got food, and even then they usually don’t give a shit. But this one, this rabbit, zoned right in on me and stared. I mean stared like a human. “Come here,” it said.

I’m not crazy. I know rabbits don’t talk. But I heard those words and I know they came from the rabbit. I took a few steps forward, my feet shuffling the ground. It blinked, grabbed a blade of grass, chewed, and stared at me again. A few steps closer. Why didn’t it run away? Was it not scared of me?

“Come closer.” I did. “Closer. Down here.” I bent over, got on my hands and knees. My fingers dug into the green, pungent grass. I thought to look around, to see if anyone saw me on all fours, leaning my ear down to a completely white rabbit, but I didn’t look. I couldn’t escape his rabbity eyes, his velvety translucent pelt, that hypnotic non-voice.

“What is it?” I whispered. I was entranced by this holy ball of fur, who had entreated me to come closer, to kneel down to him like some blessed varmint god.

And then he spoke. He really spoke. And this time, his little rabbit lips moved. I swear this happened.

He said “Sigur Ros.”

Later that day I see your message on CL.

I can’t explain it, but dude. Meant to be, dude. Meant to be.

On this, the birth of the Spears Spawn, we invite you to read our previous musings on the subject: Have a Baby, One More Time.

And then this: (p.s. I liked the header so much yesterday I’m trying it again. How’s it look?)

If I Was There to Help At the John Roberts Hearings

Chairman: Well, I guess if we don’t have any more questions…

Schramm: Actually, Mr. Chairman, I have just one more question.

Chairman: The Chair passes the floor to the right honorable gentleman from Missouri.

Schramm: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Roberts–

Roberts: Yes, sir.

Schramm: You’ve stood in front of this court for days, and you’ve carefully made your way through, avoiding any incriminating questions…

Roberts: Well, I don’t think–

Schramm: Please don’t interrupt me again, Mr. Roberts. As I was saying, you’ve avoided plenty of questions here in the past week. But I have one question which I will make it incumbent upon you to answer. You will answer this final question I have.

Roberts: I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to use “incumbent,” sir.

Schramm: Silence! Here is my question.

[Pause]

Roberts: Yes, Mr. Schra–

Schramm: I said silence! How, Mr. Roberts, do you feel…

[Dramatic Pause]

Roberts: This doesn’t seem–

Schramm: A third time, silence! My question is, Mr. Roberts, how do you feel about the A-Team?

[Pause]

Roberts: I’m sorry? The what?

Schramm: The A-Team! Who’s your favorite? I bet it’s Face isn’t it? That stupid Face..

Roberts: Pardon me, I think this is quite irregular for these proceedings.

Schramm: No, Howlin’ Mad was the irregular one!

Roberts: I don’t think I–

Chairman: The honorable Mr. Roberts will answer the question.

Schramm: That dude was crazy!

Roberts: I don’t even know what the A-Team is! Was that something Clinton commissioned?

Schramm: Hell no, man! They escaped from a maximum security stockade, and now they’re soldiers of fortune, wanted by the government! But it’s cool because Hannibal is on the jazz!

Roberts: They’re fugitives? Well then, as Supreme Court Justice, I would expect they be brought to justice for these crimes, whatever they are.

Schramm: “Crimes they didn’t commit,” dude. Tell me, have you ever worked with Colonel Decker? Because I think you and he may have met up in Vietnam, am I right?

Roberts: I was never in Vietnam!

Schramm: I knew it! Please answer the question, Mr. Roberts. Who is your favorite A-Team member?

Roberts: Favorite member? I don’t know who any of them are. Is there maybe one that was more just than the other members? Because, you know, I’m trying to be a Justice.

Chairman: Well, Hannibal was pretty just in and of himself. And Amy Allen knew her way around a courtroom, I bet.

Roberts: Ok, well, Hannibal, then. I guess.

Schramm: Hannibal didn’t know justice! There can be only one!

Roberts [increasingly frightened]: What does that mean? Was I wrong?

Schramm: This committee calls to the stand… THE RIGHT HONORABLE B.A. BARACUS!!

[B.A. bursts into the hearing and sits down at the table next to Roberts, cigar a blazin']

Roberts: What is this? I just want my job!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that wants to be justice over me! Get outta here, JR! Go find Dishpan!

Schramm: That’s right! I nominate B. A. for Supreme Court Justice!

Roberts: Wait a minute, you can’t nominate him!

Chairman: I second! All in favor?

[Schramm and B.A. give a nuclear high five, yell "YEAH"]

Chairman: Very well then, all opposed?

Roberts: This–

Chairman: Then it’s settled! B.A., how do you feel about Roe v. Wade?

Mr. T: Womens can do what they want, and ain’t nobody gonna mess with em!

Schramm: Yeah! Now let’s all go get some ice cream!

[All jump in the air, freeze frame, A-Team theme plays]

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn’t use to be cool, but in the 90’s that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn’t quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and “geek is chic.” The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Congratulations!

THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST
My test tracked 3 variables: How you compared to other people (your age and gender):
You scored higher than 74% on nerdiness.
You scored higher than 95% on geekosity.
You scored higher than 76% on dork points.

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos.

I’ve been playing Urban Dead lately (Mac Parker is my human’s name, Headbitey is my zombie).

I like it. Way back, when I was a kid, I had a Tandy Color Computer that my father bought from some guy at his work for like $100. Just for kicks, the guy threw in like 50 back issues of Rainbow magazine, which was a magazine put out by Radio Shack (I believe) that had all kinds of coding tutorials and articles about how the Color Computers 16k of memory was amazing, and how powerful the external 5 1/4 inch floppy drive was. There was also a cartridge slot in the Color Computer, and I’m sure they waxed poetic about the power of that as well.

Anyway, somewhere in the back of one of these magazines, I saw an ad for a PBM role playing game.

I’m sure you know what role playing games are. This one was a Play-by-Mail game, where you literally made moves by mailing instructions off to a guy who entered your move into a computer, and then mailed you back the results of your instructions. You got printouts of maps, and you could enter instructions like “MOVE NORTH 6″ or “SEARCH AREA” onto his little forms every month. If I remember correctly (I’m sure I still have the printouts somewhere), you had a party of five different people (whose class, race, and sex you could choose), and you wandered around this little make believe world doing quests and fighting monsters and stopping in towns. It was a role playing game that you played through the mail one month at a time.

But here’s the thing: your group wasn’t the only one in the world. The guy who ran the game was getting mail from lots of people every month, and in your printout, you would see other groups who were in the same town you were, or who were working on the same quests you were. In that way, it was the first massively multiplayer game I’d ever played.

It’s too bad, then, that I didn’t really get into it. You got like five pages of printouts, but it was kind of hard to get into the game when all you had was a little sheet that said all of your characters had torches. And I guess it would have been better if I’d known or had contact with the other player (I think the other guys all called each other to talk about the game or something), but since I was a kid, I didn’t get as involved as the other guys playing did. Not to mention that $5 a month was probably chump change to them, but it was a big deal to me. And so, after two months, I sent a letter that thanked the guy for letting me play a few turns, but that I had decided PBM wasn’t for me.

Of course, now it’s 2005, and we have World of Warcraft, which lets you instantly interact with millions of people at the same time. And I do. A lot.

But we also have Urban Dead, which reminds me very much of the old PBM conceit. It’s really play by HTML, but the concept seems like the same. You wander around a landscape, a few turns at a time, and it seems like no one is moving in the same timeframe. Every day, your character gets 50 turns, and so it’s like people are moving in flashes– you run out of a building, hit a zombie 20 times, and run back inside to wait for your next day’s turns. The only contact you have with others (usually trouble– zombies hitting you and such) actually happens when you’re not there. If you log out outside a building, you’ll come back and find out that five people have killed you, three people have revived you, two more have killed you, and one has walked by saying “z0mbie5 roK!”

Still, it’s fun when you have action points. I’ve spent the past few days wandering through fire stations looking for a fireaxe (30% chance of damage, 3 points). And now that I’ve found one, heads will roll. And while I don’t have to wait a full month to do it, I kind of enjoy, in a surprisingly nostalgic way, that I do have to wait about a day.

Our beer tastes really good!

Buying this car will enable you to transport yourself from one place to another, as long as you pay gas and wear costs!

Drink our soda now! You will enjoy it!

Pampers: They catch your baby’s poop.

The New iPod Nano: Overly Expensive, But Will Make Your Friends Like You More.

We’re having a big sale! Some prices are cheaper, but still expensive enough that we will make money from you buying them.

Ask your doctor about Glanosil. It’s a pill you take that will make you happy whether good things happen to you or not.

Eat at Joe’s. He cooks food that you can eat. Mostly.

(As opposed to the quotes printed here)

Ann Coulter: “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren’t punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That’s war. And this is war.” “War is wrong. We believe in God, but what others believe is between them and God. We may not agree, but committing violence based on that fact would be against the very principles God asks us to follow.”

Bailey Smith: “With all due respect to those dear people, my friend, God Almighty does not hear the prayer of a Jew.” “God hears all prayers, and welcomes conversation from all his children.”

David Barton: “You telling these miserable, Hell-bound, bath house-wallowing, anal-copulating fags that God loves them!? You have bats in the belfry!” “God is love, my brothers and sisters. It it not ours to judge, but His, and yet even where He sees sin, He is more loving and forgiving than we could ever be.”

George W. Bush: “God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them.” “In all things, I listen to the Lord. And He tells me to help my fellow man, to work for the poor, and to champion those who have no champion. Paul speaks to me, too, and he says that the three things which should fill the heart of the Christian are ‘faith, hope, and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.’”

James Dobson: “Today’s children… They’re damned. They’re gone.” “I do as the Lord says and ‘Suffer the little children, for of such is the Kingdom of God.’”

John Ashcroft: “Civilized people – Muslims, Christians, and Jews – all understand that the source of freedom and human dignity is the Creator.” “Attorney General? No, thank you, Mr. President, I’ve got too much to do down at the homeless shelter.”

Pat Robertson: “You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.” “Love thine enemy, is what I say!”

Jerry Falwell: “If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.” “Well, my mother always said, ‘If you’ve got nothing nice to say…’ So I think I’ll just kind of shut up now.”

Notice: Our systems will be down for about two hours today, starting at 8 a.m. Apologies for the inconvenience.

***

Notice: We know that it’s only 7:30, but we just wanted to remind you about the two hour shortage, in case you forgot. Although, now that we think about it, if you haven’t arrived at work yet, you have recieved this message twice. Apologies.

***

Notice: the time is now 9 a.m., and we are halfway through our maintenance. Should be done in about an hour. Maybe earlier. But probably about an hour.

Apologies.

For the inconvenience.

***

Notice: 10 a.m. Almost done.

***

Notice: We were almost done, but Fred plugged the wrong cord in, and so we’ll be down for a little while longer. Say, oh, five minutes or so. Not bad for government work, huh?

Note: none of us work for the government, but we thought that would be a good joke. Actually, Fred thought that would be a good joke, as he wrote the first part of this notice. The rest of us wrote this second part, which took a few more minutes, so it’ll be about five more minutes on the outage starting now.

Note: Fred reminds us to give you our apologies again, and we had forgotten. So, apologies. Five minutes, starting now.

***

Notice: Well, we fixed what we thought was the problem, but another problem came up, and when we fixed that problem, a few more problems arose. So it’ll be a little bit. Probably another three hours or so.

Not counting the lunch we’re going on right now. We’re heading to Wendy’s. Anyone want anything?

***

Notice: Sally, we weren’t sure whether Wendy’s had an extra large frosty, so we looked up their phone number and called them, and they do not. Please resubmit your order.

Oh, about the outage, it will be another hour or so. Until we get started that is, because we haven’t gone to Wendy’s yet. But we will, and then another three hours or so.

***

Notice: Wendy’s is here. Ted, they did not take the lettuce off your chicken sandwich, you’ll have to take it off yourself. Apologies.

***

Notice: Ok, things are just about up, right on time about 4:00 p.m. We’re about ready to flip the switch here. We’ll send another message in a sec just to make sure the system is working.

***

Notice: By now you’ve probably noticed that the lights have gone out, and hopefully you got out pretty soon after the sprinklers started. Apologies, of course, for that.

Turns out Fred spilled some ketchup from Wendy’s on the server that we didn’t know about, and when we flipped the switch, it made a little chemical ketchup reaction that burnt out the mainframe. So we’re looking at a five or six hour fix here, people. Apolo– well, you know.

Although, we’ve just heard from Fred that the computer store down the street has the exact same model of mainframe that we need (he stopped by there on the Wendy’s run), so we may be able to buy that one, and pull the bad one out and replace it. That would only take about a half hour or so, and we’d be back up and running then.

But, we have to say, this whole day has just kind of frustrated all of us. Seems like it’s one setback after another, first the service, than the outage, then the problems with Sally’s frosty and Ted’s lettuce. Why do you people have to be so picky. And, if we can be frank, Fred has kind of gotten on our nerves.

So, if it’s OK with you all, we think we just might head out for the day. We’ll just– we’ll just be back tomorrow, and think about starting to fix things then.

So, uh, we’ll see you later, ok? All righty. Later.

By Someone Who Doesn’t Know the History of Labor Day

Labor Day was founded in 1735, when the mother of our country’s first president, Mrs. Washington, went into labor. According to legend, the doctor at the birth was filling out the birth certificate, and asked the nurse what day it was. “It’s the day of labor,” she answered him. And thus, this holiday was “born.” (HA!) The doctor had been really asking what day of the week it was, and he was so angry that she didn’t answer him correctly that he had the nurse confined to a mental hospital. Because that’s what they did back then.

Coincidentally, the word “labor” comes from the Latin laborus, which means, in modern terms “laborous.” And the original meaning of “day” is not widely known, but is believed to be some sort of flower.

Pilgrims used to celebrate Labor Day by having festivals and sacrificing sacrificial frogs. At least they used to do that, until they realized that Labor Day hadn’t been founded yet, so they put everything away and cleaned up all the frogs really quickly so no one noticed. Then they walked away, whistling nonchalantly.

Today we celebrate Labor Day with barbecues and heavy drinking. Most people have the holiday off, unless you have to do something vitally important to modern life, like selling retail junk to people who really do have the day off. Also, we shut down all the pools, in honor of Labor Day 1833, when the Atlantic Ocean had to be shut down for cleaning. President Theodore Roosevelt noticed that all the fish were pretty dirty, and “could probably use a good scrubbing,” so America shut down the seas and cleaned everything. And that’s why we close pools on Labor Day.

So appreciate this holiday and remember: have a beer, cook some meat, and sacrifice some frogs. Have a great Labor Day!

I’ve been wanting do to a quiz for a long time. Happy Labor Day Weekend! If you’re in Chicago, what do you say to a little BBQing on Monday? Call me!

Answer each question as honestly as you can. Make sure to write down your answers, and then tally them up at the end to see how much Mike Schramm you are!

1. What’s your favorite color?

A. Mauve.

B. Black.

C. Blue.

2. What would you rather do on a Friday night after a long week?

A. Stay home and spend the night playing Midnight Club 3 online.

B. Stay home and spend the night playing Counterstrike online.

C. Stay home and spend the night playing Diablo II online.

3. When you go to the bar, what kind of drink do you order?

A. I don’t go to the bar.

B. Anything but beer!

C. A beer, preferably Guinness.

4. Are you…

A. Pretty cool.

B. The coolest!

C. Freaking awesome! And totally cool.

5. Which of these jokes is funniest?

A. “Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.”

B. “Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The wedding wasn’t very good, but the reception was great!”

C. Doctor: “I’m sorry, I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got cancer. And Alzheimer’s.” Patient: “Well at least I don’t have cancer!”

6. Your fashion sense is…

A. Exquisite! Check out these shoes!

B. Sensible.

C. Missing.

7. Cake is…

A. A tasty birthday treat.

B. A geeky, lame rock band.

C. The apeothosis of all that is good and true about music.

8. What’s your favorite movie?

A. Superman.

B. Batman.

C. Batman Returns.

9. A peanut butter and cheese sandwich sounds…

A. Gross.

B. Tasty.

C. Like dinner.

10. Finally, girls (for women, guys) think you are…

A. Hot.

B. Cute.

C. “Nice.”

Ready to tally them up? Give yourself one point for every A answer, two points for every B answer, and three points for every C answer, and then check how much Mike Schramm you are below!

Under 10 points:

You missed a question, dude. Try again.

10-17 points:

You’re not very Mike Schramm. You may think that makes you “lucky,” but guess what, pal? You’re missing out on the finer things in life. Time for you to start taking more chances and geeking it out a little more. Ever slaughtered demons with a +4 Ice Sword or spent half an hour thinking about what it would really be like to be Batman? Didn’t think so. Slow down, take in life a little more, and try doing some things that aren’t as “cool” as you usually are. Remember, when all is said and done, the geeks will inherit the earth, baby!

18-24 points:

You’re kind of Mike Schramm, but you’ve still got a little way to go. Have you ever actually watched Batman Returns, or tried a perfectly poured Guinness? If the answer is no, you might think about doing so. Sure, things are going pretty well for you now, but you never know when a little Mike Schramm might come in handy. Of course, you might be OK if you’re a friend of Mike Schramm, because then you can just call him when the going gets tough. Just keep in mind that there’s a lot of videogames out there– he might not be around every time you need him.

25-29 points:

You’re pretty Mike Schramm! Isn’t life great? You get to be cool in a geeky way and geeky in a cool way! You’ve got a great sense of humor, you’re smart, and may we say that your sense of taste and decorum is practically impeccable? We may? OK then we will. Keep on keeping on the way you are, bud! Schramm it up in style!

30 points:

Either you are Mike Schramm or you figured out early on how the quiz works (I know, not that hard). Either go back and take it for real, or, if you are Mike Schramm, then rock on! Oh, and Mike, sorry about finishing off the bread the other day. I’ll get you back. We still on for Saturday night? Cool. Peace.