Ok, everybody, two weeks and $50 later, my computer is back up and running, although still minus a DVD burner. You’ve won this time, RIAA!

I’m putting some good thought into just giving up on the whole thing and replacing my beatup old custom rig (P4 1.8ghz, GeForceFX 5200, Creative SBLive card that’s been with me since the beginning, 640 mb SDRAM, and now a new 80gb hard drive) with a nice new iMac. Think of it, people– OSX! A widescreen LCD display! mikeschramm.com in Macintosh!

I know! Good thoughts, good thoughts. Anyway, that’s in the future, for right now, mikeschramm.com is back. Don’t really have time to type up a real post tonight, but in the meantime, enjoy these

Three Jokes That Don’t Make Sense… Or Do They?

Q: Why did the little boy cry?

A: Because he couldn’t stop. He just couldn’t stop.

+++

Q: What did the chicken say to the working class man?

A: We’re both food. You and me, pal.

+++

Q: When is an apple pie more than an apple pie?

A: When it’s what I slave to make. For you. All for you.

Mikeschramm.com is still on extended summer vacation, pending the replacement or repair of the computer that generates its daily content. Meanwhile, enjoy this contribution from an anonymous author.

And by contribution, I mean some guy left this handwritten note on a piece of paper at my work.

From the point I could remember, my life have been a lie.

I have mastered the art of manipulation disguise, to benefit my selfish needs.

My only concern is my pleasure. I hate my new life, my choices. I’m a crack addict, a theif, liar and all the negatives that are associated with this lifestyle.

You would think I want to quit, even the possibility of death does not deter my thoughts, which are consumed 24 hours a day on smoking crack.

I didn’t mention I was a homosexual, and another thing: I’m a black male approaching 40 yrs of age.

Just a short post today, because I’ve snuck onto my roommate’s computer.

You may have been wondering why mikeschramm.com didn’t post yesterday. It’s because when the proprietor of mikeschramm.com woke up last Friday, the computer that he composes mikeschramm.com on daily was sparking and smoking with some violence. Half awake, said proprietor jumped out of bed, and yanked the electrical cord out of the firey box.

Alas, it was too late to save the motherboard. A large part, the main part, of my computer had died a violent and unrelenting death.

So stay tuned. Reinforcements are on the way– everyday I check the website I ordered the part from, and they still haven’t shipped the darn thing, but I’m sure they’ll be here soon. In the meantime, I don’t really have time to write anything for the site, but I do have time to check my email, so now would be a good time to contribute. If you have something you’d like me to post, email it away at mike(at)mikeschramm.com.

Thank you for your cooperation during the interruption. We will return to your scheduled mikeschramm.com programming soon. Very soon.

Well, today, everybody, I’d like to talk about airline food.

Isn’t it cheap? I mean, I’m paying tons of money, the least they could do is–

[BALLOONS DROP FROM CEILING, CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS, AND MAN IN TUXEDO STEPS OUT FROM BACKSTAGE]

Man In Tuxedo: HEY!

Mike Schramm: What’s going on? What the heck?

MIT: Congratulations, Mike Schramm, you’ve just reached your 550th post!

[TELEVISION SHOW AUDIENCE APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE, APPLAUDS]

MS: Wow, I… Thanks, I guess!

MIT: Yes, believe it or not, you’ve churned out 550 posts of this junk! 550! That’s almost half a century!

MS: Actually it’s a little more than… but wait. I only started the site late last year, like in November. Eight months ago, that’s only about two hundred or so.

MIT: But you didn’t count all the links on your sidebar! Each one of those is a post, too, and including those, you’ve reached 550! Isn’t that amazing?!?

[CROWD APPLAUDS, SPRINKLED WITH LAUGHTER]

MS: Hmm. I guess. In terms of blogging, it doesn’t seem like much, really.

MIT: Oh yes it does! And for reaching 550 posts, you’ve won..

MS: What? I win something?

MIT: Absolutely nothing! Nobody reads your site, so nobody cares anyway!

[CROWD LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

MS: Oh. Figures. Hey, some people read my site. I get like 150 hits a day.

MIT: Including you?

MS: Ok I get like 100 hits a day.

MIT: [Looks at Mike]

MS: Ok fine. Eighty hits a– all right, geez, I get about 50 hits a day. But 50 hits a day is still better than nothing!

MIT: Barely!

MS: Thanks, I guess, Man in Tuxedo.

MIT: You know what’s really interesting about this whole thing?

MS: What’s that?

MIT: You’re writing this whole thing yourself. I mean sure, there you are, as a character– handsomer than usual, I’ll grant.

MS: Thanks!

MIT: But also, you’re the one writing these lines. You’ve created me, and these balloons, and this wonderful crowd–

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

MIT: — all to congratulate yourself on this 550th post, but then you’re also making fun of yourself for having a blog with 550 posts that nobody reads. You’re both overinflating your deeds and underselling them, all through this (very weak) game show premise. See? You’re doing it again, with the parenthesis around “very weak,” undercutting yourself.

MS: But that’s kind of what everyone does with their blogs, too. It’s a private diary placed in a public forum, so bloggers invoke both private and public personas. In public, I may joke that my blog sucks and nobody reads it, but in private maybe I’m very happy that it’s reached 550 posts, no matter what. Every blogger must feel that same duality of purpose, to explore private thoughts in a public forum.

MIT: And yet, now you’re making it even more obvious by speaking directly through me. These lines are attributed to me, Man in Tuxedo, but everyone reading this knows Mike Schramm has really written them. You didn’t even give me a name!

MS: I guess I didn’t think you–

MIT: You didn’t think I was important enough to be given a name? I’m the whole reason this post has gone from a cheesy parody to an somewhat interesting look at how people see themselves in their blogs!

MS: That’s true. I’m sorry.

MIT: Do you want to know what it is?

MS: I– Sure.

MIT: It’s Horace.

MS: Your… your name is Horace? Horace what?

HH: Horace Higgenbotham.

MS: Higg– Higgenbother?

HH: HiggenbothAM.

MS: That’s, um, some name.

HH: It’s not really mine anyway. You just made it up, and thought it sounded funny.

MS: All right, this has gotten entirely too self-referential and convoluted. Maybe that’s why nobody reads this site in the first place.

HH: Ha! Good night everybody!

MS: Wait, don’t I get to do my thing about airline food?

HH: Nope!

“So, barring any unforeseen circumstances, things should go smoothly this weekend. From all of us at News 6, have a great night.”

“You’d better hope they do, Chuck.”

“Wow, that looks like a lot of fun for those dogs! Seems like those bitches sure are having fun, right Sally?”

“…”

“We, uh, we’ll be back tomorrow night. Your 12, signing off.”

“So big hopes for the Sooners tomorrow night, Steve?”

“That’s right, Jack. You might say they’re aiming for a win as ‘Soon’ as possible! Ha ha ha!”

“Ha, but seriously, I don’t think I would say that, Steve. Not at all.”

“Well. You might–”

“No. No I wouldn’t. Ever.”

“And that’ll do it for us here at Newsteam 4. Have a–”

“Have a–”

“Oh, heh, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, I thought I was supposed to say… Wait, who is saying that?”

“Heh. Anyway, from all of us, have a go–”

“A good and safe night! Oh wait, were you supposed to say that whole thing? When do I get to talk?”

“I guess you don’t. Thanks for being unprofessional, Lisa. Can’t you let me finish the damn thing without trying to steal my lines?”

“It’s not finished yet, Jack.”

“Oh, I think it is, Lisa. I think it is. I’m going up to Bob’s office tomorrow, and make sure you end the day out on the street looking for another job. You’ve stepped on my goodbye for the last time. So long, don’t let the Newsteam freakin’ 4 door hit you on the way out.”

“No, Jack, I mean the show’s not over. The cameras are still on.”

“A good and safe night to you, too, Lisa! Goodnight everybody!”

1. I’m at some old lady’s house. A great aunt, or a great cousin, or just a family friend, I’m not sure who. While she speaks with whoever brought me there, she asks in her old lady voice if I want a sandwich. A peanut butter sandwich, she says, is that what you want?

I nod, and she takes me into her dark, old lady kitchen, and reaches into her dark, old lady cupboard. Peanut butter, she says. Bread, and she places them in front of me. I’m a little confused, because peanut butter doesn’t go by itself– it goes with jelly, or… well, jelly. But no, she wants me to make just a peanut butter sandwich.

I do. That stuff isn’t peanut butter. It’s something Natural that tastes unnatural, like sawdust mixed with sugar and oil, and the bread is some strange type too, rye or grain or something, I’m not sure. But either my mouth is too full or my esteem is too innocently small to mention that I really don’t like her peanut butter or her sandwich while she speaks with whoever brought me there.

2. I’m with another old lady, a babysitter of some kind. This is definitely a great aunt, I think. My mother is away, and she’s babysitting me for the day. We go to the park, and I cling to the slides and swings, things I understand and know, while politely avoiding this woman, distant relative that, innocently, I don’t.

Afterwards, she walks me up to McDonald’s, and asks what I want. Happy Meal, of course, and I treasure the toy, a burger that turns into a person, all the rest of the day until my mother picks me up.

As we leave, I’m sorry for not understanding her better. But I’m thankful for the burger person.

3. I’ve got a new Batman puzzle, and I’m assembling it from the picture on the box while my Grandmother– sorry, Gramma. She is babysitting me and folding laundry.

She is singing as she folds, an old hymn called the “Lord of the Dance.” It’s narrated by Jesus, and he dances throughout time, through his birth, through his life, through his cruxification, a poignant dance set “on Friday when the sky turned black/ it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.” In the song, he’s an ethereal form, twisting and spinning throughout his history and right into ours, a constant character smiling and laughing and crying. This is what my Gramma is singing and humming as she folds my family’s laundry.

And I’m putting together the Batman puzzle, assembling it piece by piece, creating the striking picture of the Dark Knight swinging across the front of the box. I’m just a kid, you know, and Batman is my hero.

And I didn’t realize then, as I do now, that Gramma was my hero too. And so was Jesus, the Lord of the Dance. Not in a born-again, Christ’s Love, Methodist, Baptist, Red-Stater kind of way, but you have to admire someone who can dance with the devil on his back.

My three heroes: Gramma, Batman, and Jesus. All there with me, together. Forever and ever, amen.

Instead of spending 15-20 minutes or so writing something up today, I’m going to load up my mp3 player and go for a long walk.

If you like you can come and join me. If not, enjoy your day. See you tomorrow.

Good day on Wall Street yesterday. The Dow closed up 3.5 percent, and Nasday dropped only a quarter of a half percent. The Morgan Defoe index went down 2 points, and Thermometer Meter dropped to a chilly 35 degrees.

Oil and livestock continue at an all time high rate of percentage to increase on the year, while grains and textiles slid down to 57. Up from the previous report of 55, however.

In single stocks, RIAOPF closed up, AFIE closed down, and QC)EKJV ended at a market high with 12.23. “It was a significant gain, especially for QC)EKJV, considering how ERION and VE29V have done lately,” said QC)EKJV’s CEO Mark K. Markson, PHD, Esq. III. “At least we’re not AZICO,” he continued, referring to the BAF of the ZEON index. Seriously, he said that with a straight face.

Finally, Sandra’s stock in Matt rose just a few points. “I’ve been thinking about breaking up,” she said, “but when I came home last night, he had made dinner for me! I didn’t even realize he could cook at all!” Matt was happy to report that Sandra’s stock in him would beat expected earnings, clearing up an earlier assessment. He was not able to comment, however, on the value of his stock in “this girl in the cubicle next to me at work.” On the matter, he only reported. “She wears glasses, man, but in a totally hot way. Wow.”

Stay tuned for updates every hour, on the hour.

This is crazy. We didn’t have stuff this amazing when I was a kid. All we had was that green slime Kool-Aid with the thing from Ghostbusters.

1. Grape Magic Twists: Gold drink mix turns into a red drink! Surprise! It tastes like purple grape!

2. Cherry Illusion: Green drink mix turns into a blue drink! Surprise! It tastes like red cherry!

3. Lemon Ice Ice Cool: Snowflake white powder, polar white drink! The cool you can feel!

4. Kool-Aid Invisible: Clear drink! With a raspberry taste!

5. Kool-Aid Twists: Blastin’ Berry Cherry! Cherry twisted with raspberry!

Debate over evolution shuts down IMAX film because the film (about underwater volcanoes) presents the theory that life evolved from multicelled organisms that live in underwater hot vents.

Spiderman: Man evolves into Spiderman.

The Blob: Blob evolves into bigger Blob thing, that evolves into even bigger Blob-type thing. That eats people, and that’s un-Christian, too.

ET: Strange, mysterious alien evolves into boy’s best friend.

The Usual Suspects: Seemingly unthreatening disabled thief evolves into evil, completely healthy crime boss.

Alien: Gooey outer space pods evolve into slick-H.R. Giger-designed acidblood monsters. That eat people.

The Wizard of Oz: Presumably regular monkeys evolve into evil monkeys with wings. Also, I’m not sure where those Munchkins came from, but it was probably evolution. Or magic. Either way, ban it!

Braveheart: Peasant countryman evolves into blue-painted leader of men. Scottish ones, too.

The Matrix: Someone as lame as Bill evolves into someone as cool as Neo. Whoah.

Gigli: Somewhat hot double threat actress/singer (she did work with Stephen Soderberg) evolves into intolerable diva who crashes movies into the ground. And eats people. Probably.

July 6, 2005:

Bush collides with Scottish Police Officer during bike ride

July 8, 2005:

Bush orders investigation into “bike” machine, commissions FAA study on bike safety

July 12, 2005:

Results of FAA study reveal bike invented by German Baron von Drais in 1818. Air Force reconnaissance missions over Germany double.

July 14, 2005:

Republican Senate introduces The Bike Safety Act of 2005, which declares an limit on the top speed of two wheel bicycles. Protestors in Seattle and Atlanta burn bike wheels in demonstrations.

July 25, 2005:

House passes BS Act of 2005, Bush signs, saying “thanks to the quick action of our great country, the world is now a slower and safer place.”

August 5, 2005:

Germany petitions EU for permission to ban reconnaissance missions, mostly because they don’t like the noise. The White House releases a statement that says they are very displeased with the decision, and that the missions are required.

August 7, 2005:

The EU passes the German petition. Later in the day, the White House releases a discovery that Germans are still creating WoMDs– Weapons of Mass Displacement. The EU says, “what?” The White House replies “That’s what we’re calling bicycles now.” In a public statement, the EU says, “That’s stupid.” The White House refuses comment.

August 19, 2005:

The Supreme Court, newly staffed with Republican judges, upholds the BS Act of 2005, after reviewing the case of a man who was going upwards of 20 miles per hour on a bike. Bush, in a press luncheon, puts forth the idea of actually banning bikes, to a round of hysterical applause. Mostly from the Fox News crew, who all drive SUVs.

September 1, 2005:

The US, with the backing of the UN, sends in Bike Inspectors to see what Germany has or hasn’t made. Incredibly, they find nothing.

September 4, 2005:

“Screw it,” says Bush, and sends in troops to overturn “the corrupt, environmentally friendly, bi-wheeled” German government. “Let’s remember what this is all about,” he tells the nation on television. “I want my children, and America’s children, to grow up in a world where they are free not to fall off of bikes. This is about freedom. And children.” Americans, especially the red states, eat it up.

September 20, 2005:

Realizing the parody has gotten way out of hand, and has stopped being funny, American troops decide to call the whole thing off and go home.

October 10, 2005:

Bush decides to take up rollerblading.

Bio-party!

Re-enact scenes from that Pauly Shore movie

“Hey baby, I’ll be your Adam if you’ll be my Eve. Heh heh. Wink wink.”

Frisbee in the rain forest!

Go for an artificial swim in the artificial ocean

Survivor: Biosphere

Bugs + High Tech Kitchen = Cricket Cakes!

Run naked through the “soaring glass covered atriums”

Burn all the buildings down and make the land actually worth something

O beautiful for spacious skies,

Thy liberty in law.

This July 4th, God bless America. Please.

In simultaneous press conferences this afternoon, both Microsoft and Sony announced that their new videogame consoles, while very fast, technologically advanced, and capable of breathtaking graphics, will essentially be very similar in nature.

“They’re pretty much the same,” says Microsoft’s Bill Lectern. “I mean, sure, we’ll have Halo and they’ll probably have GTA for a while, but eventually we’ll get GTA, and you’ll be able to play Halo on PC, so it’s not that much of a difference. Basically they’ll just be the same thing.”

Both consoles also have uses beyond videogame playing, as well. “We’re playing HD, they’re playing HD,” says Sony’s Jill Arnold. “They will let you save media, and we’ll let you do it too. You can pretty much do the same things with both systems. Backwards compatible? Of course we’re going to do it, and so they’ll do it too. Really, it doesn’t matter which one you buy, because they’re both essentially the same piece of hardware.”

Which means that videogame enthusiasts won’t have a hard time choosing what to buy this holiday season. “You can go for whatever,” says Lectern. “Have you seen the screenshots for the new Project Gotham Racing? They look great, and you’ll only find that on Xbox 360. On the other hand, I saw a leaked picture of GTA, and that will only be on PS3. So it doesn’t really matter which one you buy. Either way you’ll be able to play really good looking games that you spent a ton of money on.”

And Arnold agrees. “We’re really excited about our new Cell technology, and our great traditions of design and ease of use. But have you seen that Xbox 360 controller? It looks good too, and very easy to use. I’m guessing either one will be a lot of fun.”

Lectern added, “Of course, once the new systems come out, the old systems will drop in price considerably. So you might not even have to buy a new one– there’s a lot of cheap games on PS2 that I haven’t even played yet. I guess the new ones aren’t even that big of a deal.”