May 6 means it’s happy birthday to me! Yup, somewhere around 1980, I showed up and everything’s been fun and games since then.

One of the great pleasures of birthdays, I think, besides the fact that you’re congradulated for having lived another year of your life, is checking the horoscopes in newspapers. Every day, I happen to glance at them on the short trip from the front page to the comics, and every day they say something like “If March 15th is your birthday…”, and I am minutely disappointed that the message is not for me. But today, I can check papers and find a message printed there just for me, a little personalized horoscopic description of who I am and what I’m supposed to do! So I checked all of them. The last one’s a doozy.

Free and easy is not a phrase most people would associate with you, but over the coming 12 months you will be a lot more laid-back about the world and your special place in it. You have tried being thoughtful and serious about life, and where did it get you? Now you will go to the opposite extreme – and you’ll rather enjoy it. (New York Post)

The pressure could be intense this year, but only if you resist. Face something that intimidates you. You’ll be rewarded. (Chicago Tribune)

You’re no longer expecting life to happen to you. This year, you bring your own magic and make your own wishes come true! June is lucrative because of someone you meet now. Be thorough and don’t expand too quickly, and you’ll be successful. Wedding bells ring in February. For business, Libra and Leo are favored; for new love: Scorpio and Cancer. Your lucky numbers are: 30, 53, 21, 29 and 2. (Los Angeles Times)

Even if it seems you have been swimming against the tides for quite some time, the year ahead offers relief from invisible problems. In July you may be floundering without a clue as to the right direction, but you’ll find a beneficial lifeline to cling to in August when Lady Luck knocks on your door. In November and December it is important to maintain your sense of purpose and to surround yourself with positive people. By January you may have a choice between hiding your light under a bushel and jumping enthusiastically into a fresh and exciting future. (Detroit News)

Security will be what counts this year, so even if you feel restless, hang on to what you’ve got. The more time spent developing and preparing, the better your chance at longevity and favorable outcomes. Your diligence will not be wasted and will be what puts your mind at ease as the year progresses. Your numbers are 2, 13, 16, 21, 39, 41 (Boston.com)

Basically lazy in practical areas, these people always leave things for others to do, although they swear they will fix it themselves. The men are much worse than the women. In youth May 6 is a slob, their bedroom floor heaped with clothes and mouldy sandwiches. Like all Taureans, they are extremely interested in sex, so the walls will be plastered with pictures, some rather shocking. Their taste in music is for loud rhythm, with massive bass. Their social life, every night spent in a club, home at 6am and little sleep. Their sex life usually starts earlier than any parent would wish. But the upside of a May 6’s teen and twenties sex life is that the bedroom suddenly gets tidied up. Many of them are nevertheless determinedly ambitious and want, above all else, to make money. In any office they use their very special, powerful intellect to get on, dreaming up exquisitely logical projects. Amazingly, this lazy youth and youthess will frequently turn into a spectacularly successful lawyer or doctor, tapping into the humanitarian side of Taurus which is dominant on this particular day.. What you get with this disorganised creature is a sweet time and a lot of laughs. These individuals are not unaware how much work they generate for others and they compensate for this with constant flashes of wit and mimicry which entertains the clearers-up while they work. (Russell Grant)

On July 14, 1998, a friend was mistreated because of circumstances beyond his control. We regret the error.

During a party on February 15, 2003, a woman was misidentified as single. She was actually Joey’s girlfriend, and not interested. We apologize for any misinformation.

During an incident in late 2002, it was reported that Veronica’s baby’s daddy was Eric. We have since found this to be untrue, and would like to report that it is actually Joel.

In a conversation with a co-worker on July 12, 2003, it was reported that we were “out at a bar with friends partying it up last weekend.” In reality, we were “sitting at home alone eating cheetos and watching reruns of Green Acres.” We apologize for the error.

It was reported sometime in the last year that the new Batman Begins movie “will totally rock.” Further research has indicated that this may not be true. Please stay tuned for more details.

In August of 2003, a woman in a picture in our wallet was not clearly identified, which may lead some to believe that she is the willing participant of a familiar relationship. In fact, the picture came with the wallet, and her name is unknown. We apologize to all parties involved.

During a conversation with a representative from a rental car company, we claimed that “the car was making that noise when we got it.” Unfortunately, we were not telling the truth. In reality, the car began making that noise after “we drove over a curb.” We sincerely apologize for the misrepresentation.

Finally, last week, when someone asked us “What’s up?” we replied “Nothin’.” This was not technically true.

Because I have been spending so much time playing games I mean working, today’s mikeschramm.com has been outsourced to Brendan Fitzpatrick. He wrote this essay, he tells me, for admission to a college so prestigious it will not be named. It was in answer to a query about how to seperate the world into two clean segments. Enjoy.

There are two types of people in the world. Those who prefer gummy bears, and those who prefer gummy worms. These two types of people most likely come from different types of families, have extremely dissimilar interests, and pursue vastly divergent goals in life.

I have chosen the gummy bear/gummy worm division because I honestly feel that to ask someone, “Would you prefer a gummy bear or a gummy worm?” is to come extremely close to an unfiltered look into the soul of the person being asked. Because it is not tied to any sort of political, religious or moral belief, it flies under the radar of those on alert for serious questions requiring one to reference their internal checklist of what they’re “supposed to say” in a way that questions like “Do you believe in life after death?” just can’t.

The answer to this question is rarely one that requires a great amount of internal debate. Upon asking someone, you will most likely receive an immediate and firm decision. “Gummy bears, of course. What kind of moron would like gummy worms better?” Or, “Gummy worms, dude. Without question!” Upon receiving a response, a great number of assumptions can be made about the subject.

First, gummy bear people are at heart conservative, and gummy worm people liberal. The difference lies in the type of person who is willing and eager to eat a bear (a cute, non-threatening, friendly creature flavored to taste like a familiar fruit, such as a
strawberry), and the person who is chomping at the bit to consume a worm, an animal considered to be “gross” by many, which is often flavored in an “extreme” manner, involving combinations of flavors, sourness, and/or adjectives and “exciting” improper grammar attached to the name of a familiar fruit, thereby radicalizing it. (i.e. gut-bustin’ grape or out-o’-control orange mango.)

In general, gummy bear people are not quite as fun as gummy worm people, but they are much more stable, reliable, and trustworthy whereas those of the gummy worm-loving persuasion are more prone to flights of fancy. Gummy bear people romanticize the past, gummy worm people are riding a rocket-powered hang glider boldly into the future.

It should be noted that this difference in preference runs too deep to be changed, and that there should should be no attempt at a complete takeover of the gummy market by either side. This dichotomy in candy is just as essential to the human race as that between the democrats and republicans, comedy and tragedy, or nerds and jocks, and only through gummy bipartisanship can the world continue to function successfully. That being said, however, gummy worms are most definitely superior.

I’ve been playing World of Warcraft (WoW as those of us in the know like to call it) for weeks now like crazy, and I’ve been wanting to write something about it, so today’s mikeschramm.com is a WoW joke. The problem is that, if you’ve never played the game, you may not understand it. In the game, there is a dungeon called the Deadmines. In the Deadmines, there are all sorts of evil miners who all want to kill you, and one of the quests in the game is to go into this dungeon, and basically eradicate all of these miners and their bosses. In addition, WoW is a massively multiplayer game, which means that day after day, thousands and thousands of players are coming into these same dungeons and killing these same miners time and time again, day and night nonstop. “Those poor, poor miners,” is what I thought.

Katie Holmes, we need to talk.

As you know, I’ve been a big fan for a long time. I first saw you in Dawson’s Creek, and even though I thought your name was Pacey (which I later found out was the guy’s name, even though it’s a terrible name for a guy, as is Joey for a girl), I knew you had something special. A grace and Midwestern charm that befitted a soon to be star. And so early on I hitched my wagon to your star.

I followed you and cheered you on at every move. I thought you were great in The Ice Storm. I caught you for a few moments in Wonder Boys (did you get to meet Michael Chabon? I bet that was cool). I bought Disturbing Behavior, even though it was really terrible (I guess as a teen star, you’re required to be in at least one mediocre monster movie). I think I may have been the only person to watch (and like) Abandon, even though you did such a great job in it. Over the last few years, I’ve followed your career with pride. When a friend spoke of Natalie Portman’s beauty, I countered with yours. When a new movie of yours came out, I prodded as many people as possible into going to see it. When I had my little radio show in Ithaca, one of the running jokes was that it was my goal to get a phone interview with you. The whole year I tried and tried. Finally I reached your publicist, and the farthest I got was a returned call that said you were “unavailable at this time.”

Maybe, at that early juncture, I should have realized that we were not compatible.

I watched Pieces of April. I wasn’t really impressed, but I thought you did a pretty good job. Then I heard you were going to be in Batman Begins! How exciting! I knew you would reach stardom someday, and it looked like you were there!

That, Katie Holmes, is when things started to go downhill.

I watched First Daughter, and the movie was so bad, I decided to watch just the commentary, and hear you speaking as yourself, what your concerns, your thoughts, your hopes were. But the stuff I heard was kind of inane, and I realized that you had never been to college, that you had jumped straight into a movie star lifestyle out of high school, which will, of course, kind of bend a person out of shape. I started to have my doubts about your grace and charm. Maybe, I thought, you weren’t all I had suspected you were.

And then came this Tom Cruise thing.

Now, I know you’re your own woman. When you married Chris Klein, I said, well, the guy’s kind of a tool, but he was in Election. He is an indy actor– besides the fact he plays dumb jocks, he’s got a little cred. But Cruise? Sure, he’s a great actor, but the guy’s crazy. He’s insane.

He’s a scientologist.

He’s trouble, Katie. And yet you two are canoodling and flirting around in all the major papers. He’s 42, you’re 26. You’ve said in interviews that you once dreamed of “marrying Tom Cruise.” The whole thing is just wrong. Where’s the midwestern grace and charm that I saw in the girl on Dawson’s Creek?

It’s too weird to be real– and maybe it isn’t. He’s got War of the Worlds coming out, and the New York Post postulates (as I suspected from the first I heard of this) that the whole “relationship” might be an insidious publicity scheme, designed to push both WoW and Batman Begins simultaneously. Either way, however– if the relationship’s real or if it isn’t– Katie Holmes, I think it’s over between us.

I know it’s kind of a shock, but this has been a long time coming. We’ve grown apart, and the fact that we’ve never actually met probably has something to do with it. It’s not you, it’s me, Katie Holmes. I don’t like fake Hollywood stars, and I’m starting to suspect that you’re one of them. I think it’s time we parted ways.

I wish you good luck. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll see you around– of course I’m going to see Batman Begins– it is Batman, after all, and it can’t be as bad as the Schumacher movies.. But when the sequel to First Daughter comes out, don’t look for me in the audience, because I won’t be there. It has to be this way.

Good luck. Say hi to Tom for me– if he gives you any kool-aid, you probably shouldn’t drink it. Good luck, and goodbye.