Lucas and Spielberg finally approved a script for the 4th Indiana Jones movie (written, unfortunately, by the writer of Rush Hour 2 and Speed 2). The only problem is that Harrison Ford, the series’ star, is now going on 62.

Indiana Jones and the Broken Hip

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Nursing Home

Indiana Jones and the Adult Diapers of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Blinking Left Turn Signal

Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special

Indiana Jones and the Overhyped Prequels

Indiana Jones and the.. Where Am I? Who’s There? Son, Is That You?

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Really, the Last One, We Mean It This Time

Unless you’re living under a rock or actually have a life, you probably heard about the Xbox 360. It’s the next generation console that Microsoft is producing, and, among other things, it will have 3 superfast processors, tons of memory, wireless networking and controllers, and a little circle of light on the front that changes colors. Now, we all know that the circle of light will make the thing cool, but a lot of people are asking “But what will the games be like?” I was walking down the street the other day, and found this list of games Team Xbox has planned for the new console. Then I found $5.

Action Platformer that’s really trying, but will never be as good as Sony’s

“Adult” Fighting Game (later pulled from shelves by Microsoft after outcry from Right wing groups)

Crashing Racer that’s almost as good, but not quite, as Burnout

Good Looking RPG that hardcore gamers swear is worth buying an Xbox 360 for, but is, in reality, really boring

“Here’s Your Chance To Blow Stuff Up In HDTV”

No Puzzle Games: Xbox 360 is for Grown Ups, Kids

Shoddy Ports of Great PC Games

Halo 3. Also, Halo 4, Halo 5, and Halo 6. Microsoft: “Wow, isn’t Halo GREAT? Don’t you just LOVE it? Please buy our games.”

Sports games that you would buy if EA’s weren’t so good

EA’s sports games

About five million licensed games. All but one will suck.

Fight Each Other Online. Now with more guns!

Voodoo Vince 2. I can’t wait!

Hi! Welcome to KillQuest!

You look like a strapping young lad! Well, we better get you killing! I suppose you could go south a ways. There are a bunch of beavers there building a dam across a river that we need to keep flowing. Why don’t you go kill 5 of them and then come back here to me?

Done already? My, that was fast. Are they all dead? Good! Here, have this sword– it’ll help you kill! Also, you can have some experience, and here’s a little gold. Well! What should we do next. Oh, I know! There are some spiders off to the east. How about you go kill, say, 20 of them? I’ll be right here when you get back.

How did it go? Oh, you died a few times? Bummer. But you killed them, right? Great! Here’s some more experience for ya, and some gold. Where do you spend it? With me of course! What can I get you? A bigger sword? You got it!

Oh, you probably want something else to kill now, don’t you? Well, I wasn’t sure if I was going to bring this up or not, but I do have this other little thing that needs to be done. What is it? Well, my sales have recently peaked– what’s that? Yes, I mean when you bought that sword from me a second ago– and I owe some money around town. It’s not a big sum, but I do owe some money to a beaver.

That’s right, I owe a beaver some money. And I was wondering if you would take it to him. He’s down– yes, down south, there. Yes, I believe he is near the beavers that you killed earlier.

Oh– and while you’re out, can you kill a few spiders for me as well? Say, 40? What are they for? I don’t know, pretend they’re attacking the town or something. Off you go.

Back, are you? How’d the delivery go? Did the beaver get his money? And the spiders, did you kill them? Great! Here’s some experience.

Now, I have a very special quest for you. What’s that? What’s a boss quest? Never mind, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Here’s the quest. It’s very important. I need you to go to the grocery store up north. And get me a six pack.

What do you mean, you won’t? You killed all those beavers and spiders I asked you to kill didn’t you? And when I owed the beaver money, you returned it to him, right? All I need now is just a little beer. Sure, I’ll give you some experience or something, whatever. A bigger sword? Look, you’ve got the biggest sword we’ve got, all right?

Ok, fine, I’ll come up with something by the time you get back. Just go get me the beer, ok? What’s that? You want to kill something too? Look, go kill a squirrel or something. What, I have to come up with a name for it? Do I have to? Why don’t you just go get it??

Sigh. Fine.

“GREAT KNIGHT, THERE IS A SQUIRREL OF DESTRUCTION TERRORIZING THE LAND. PLEASE HELP US BY SLAYING THE MONSTER AND YOU WILL SECURE YOURSELF A PLACE IN OUR HISTORY! ALSO, PLEASE DON’T FORGET THAT SIX PACK, BECAUSE I’VE HAD A HELL OF A DAY, AND I REALLY NEED IT.”

How was that? Ok, fine, go. Whatever.

Did you get it?? Sweet beer! You don’t know how long I’ve needed this.

What? Oh, you want experience. Ummm… congradulations, warrior! You’ve beaten KillQuest. Nope, you’ve completely beaten it. Nothing else to kill. Congradulations!

Now leave me alone.

So, this is kind of cool. Boing Boing thought I had something interesting to say. Chicagoist did too, but apparently not intelligent enough to use my full name or even give a link to my site. I did write that whole article, though. Hurm.

I swear this story is completely true.

WOMAN: [to cell phone] Hang on one second. [to me] Are you all hiring?

ME: We are, actually, hiring at the moment.

WOMAN: Oh, great. Can I get an application?

ME: You can apply online, or on the computer upstairs.

WOMAN: Oh, cool, I’ll do that. [to cell phone] Yup, I’m looking for a job. I just lost one.

ME: [rings out items]

WOMAN: Yeah, I just lost a job. I only started it on Monday, too. We were still training. We trained for like three days, like seven hours a day. I know!

ME: [ringing out more items, listening with interest, but trying not to appear interested]

WOMAN: It was so long. And then, like last night, I didn’t go to sleep until like 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, in the morning. I know. Because I don’t go to bed until I want to go to bed. Right. So they fired me, and now I need a job. [to me] How much?

ME: I– I’m sorry?

WOMAN: How much?

ME: Oh. $21.76.

WOMAN: [to cell phone] Ok, I’ll talk to you later.

I liked the Star Wars movie a lot. Most of it.

1. “You’re so beautiful.” “It’s only because I’m so in love.” “No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.” …Schmoopy. Geez, will you two just fall to the dark side, almost choke to death, die and get burned up, have twins without his knowledge and get it over with?

2. RIP Mace Windu. Why you have to do a brother like that?

3. They’re called “children,” idiots. Why would any society, long ago and far away notwithstanding, ever call them “younglings”?

There is a rabbit named Ted.

One day Ted is hopping along the road when he sees a mouse in a trap. He walks over, and the mouse, whose name is Enrique Gonzales (no relation to speedy), explains that if Ted helps him out of the trap, he can share the cheese in it, which is why the mouse got caught in the first place.

Ted considers this for a while. There is a carrot buried in the ground nearby, and he pulls it out and chews on it thoughtfully.

“This is really starting to hurt,” says Enrique, twisting in the trap. “I could really use your help.”

“I’m not a big fan of cheese, though,” says Ted.

“Fine, I have a timeshare in Miami,” sighs Enrique. “I don’t like to mention it because people think that I’m superficial. But it’s there, and if you help me out here, it’s yours three months a year.”

“Four months,”replies Ted.

“But we only have it six months a year!”

“Four months or you stay trapped.”

“Fine,” sighs Enrique again. “Four months a year.”

“Sold!” says Ted, and helps Enrique out of the trap. They go directly to the bank, where Enrique takes the timeshare contract out of his safe deposit box and writes up a new one.

Seven years later, the winter is over and Ted and his rabbit wife, whose name is Nancy, are staying at the timeshare in Miami, and who happens to stop by but his old friend Enrique and his mouse wife Lucille.

They decide to have some wine, and Ted leads the party out to the patio. The sun sets on the ocean, and the faint tones of samba mix with the waves and drift up the coast from the nightclubs to the south. The wine is poured, and the four of them sit and drink wine, listening to the ocean, watching the sunset, and chatting about their lives.

“Boy,” says Enrique, “remember how we met? I was in that trap, and you helped me out.”

“I sure did,” says Ted the rabbit. “I sure did.”

Dare I say that, after last week’s vacation, posting has resumed, and will now continue as usual. But first, if you aren’t in Chicago, you may have missed my article in Newcity last week. Fortunately, you can check it out now.

The other day I saw that Vanessa Williams’ album wasn’t selling at all at work. And I wondered what it must be like to be a celebrity that everyone knows, but doesn’t necessarily care about.

“Hi everybody! Thanks for coming out today! We’ve got lots of great events planned all throughout our opening month, but of course today is the big opening. And now I’m happy to welcome our very special guest! I know you’re all very excited, and I am too. She’s a former Miss America. She has had 14 Grammy nominations, including for her theme song to the Disney movie Pocahontas, and appeared in Eraser, Soul Food, and Dance with Me. She also had a successful stint on Broadway in Kiss of the Spider Woman. Now, ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Miss Vanessa Williams!”

“Thank you, thank you everybody. I’d like to thank Joe for this wonderful opportunity, and the Westville Downs Chamber of Commerce for inviting me out here today.

Boy am I excited about this new mall, right? They’re going to have a little bit of everything, I think! I got to eat in the food court yesterday, and the Chick-Fil-A was just amazing. It’s something you’ll really want to bring your family out for. They have over 30 restaurants in there, and it’s just a treat all around. Stop by, won’t you?

And the stores– I can’t drive by a mall nowadays without running into a J.C. Penney’s, can you? Now, Westville Downs has it’s own Penney’s, so you too can take advantage of their terrific sales, including 30% off all women’s outerwear this week, and an extra 20% off kids swimwear. I’ve got to go over there before I’m done here today!

Speaking of kids, of course you know I have four of my own now, and each one of them likes different things, just like all kids. I know my girls would love Bath and Body Works, which you can find on the first floor, second concourse here at Westville Downs Shoppingplace. And my son is such a reader– he’ll really love the Books-A-Million up on the second floor, right across the way from the yummy Great American Cookie Company! I can stand among the bestsellers and smell those great cookies, all here at Westville Downs Shoppingplace! What a dream!

Well, in a few moments, I’ll have to get back to the airport, and jump a plane back to California– I’m hosting a benefit for a childcare center in Pomona later on this evening, so I have to run. But, really, I want to thank you all for having me here today. I’m sure you’ll love the experience Westville Downs has to offer, just like I loved the experience of being Miss America all those years ago. It’s great to see you! Have fun!”

Welcome to Suburbia.

Check out our minimalls, our parking lots, our baseball and soccer fields. Look at all this space! Sure, half of it is covered with scrubbed pavement, but look at the other half, where grass grows unfettered and green. Our trees are all young, but strong and tall. We don’t have pollution clouding our skies here, only power and telephone lines.

The high school is just down that street. Our kids go to elementary schools around the district, where they’re taught clean and simple versions of history and math and art. They all graduate on time (a few are sent away to special schools), and when they do, they line up in the cutest robes and smile for our cameras== we develop the pictures at the Walgreens right over there, and send them away to our families elsewhere, or post them on our refrigerators. Which are always big and always full.

Speaking of big and full, have you seen our houses? There’s so much room out here, we like to spread things out. Everyone has a front and backyard lawn, and on weekends you can hear and smell the mowers carving patterns in the grass. Later in the weekend evenings, our wooden decks (stained every summer) are alighted with charcoal and fluid, and the smell of roasting meats slides through the neighborhood. We wave to our neighbors, and they wave to us, and we watch them and they watch us, just so we all know what happens here in suburbia.

Have any extra money? We do. You in your cities probably haven’t heard of “disposable income,” but we and our kids sure have. We have stores of all kinds, chains that multiply exponentially– I heard they just build a new Gap, and Sketchers has a whole store down the street– we’ll have to go there when we get a chance. Want to see a shop full of teddy bears, or a minimall full of knickknack shops? We’ve got em. Or maybe you want to hit the megaplex, see a blockbuster special effects movie on a screen three stories tall, sitting in stadium seating and listening to state-of-the-art 38 speaker surround sound while eating eight dollar popcorn. We can if you want– my wife and I go every Sunday night.

Or we could get something to eat. We have plenty of restaurants, and they’re all themed, shiny, and run by those teenagers I was telling you about. Want a Pumped Up Portabello Jalapeno Burger (TM), or a Jack Daniels (TM) Glazed Ribs and Super-Steak (TM)? Just let me know– we can jump in my Ford Expedition XLT (Old Navy Edition) (TM), and go get some. There’s always lots of parking over there, and I’m pretty sure Amazing Appetizers (TM) are even two for one on Tuesdays!

So welcome to Suburbia, we hope you enjoy your stay. What’s that? Yes, well I guess there aren’t many minorities around are there? They’re more than welcome to come, of course– we preach diversity in the schools, and buy our kids Baby Einstein books featuring babies of all races. We tell our children not to stare when that woman who doesn’t speak English gets lost in the supermarket, and can’t find anyone to help her. They’re certainly welcome to come and visit us, but I guess they just don’t want to. That’s why you never seen them around, I suppose. Come to think of it, the poor people don’t come here much either.

We do our part, though– we all go to church on Sunday, right before we eat at the Asian Fusion Bar and Grill Family Place (I love the fries there), and catch our weekly movie at the cineplex. When the Holiday Toy Drive comes around, I always donate my kids’ old toys (they’re too busy playing the new videogames that I buy them every year). We do as much as anyone else is expected to do.

Anyway, welcome. We’re glad to have you in Suburbia. We may not be as busy, or as crowded, or diverse, or as dirty as your city, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy it here anyway.

Hiya folks!

Sorry about there being no mikeschramm.com yesterday, but I was trekking from Chicago to my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri, and it took so long to pack, etc. for it that I didn’t have time to write anything.

Now that I’m here, two things may happen. Either I’ll get really creative being around my old hometown, and come up with all kinds of stuff, or I’ll get really involved in doing all the important things I have to do here (trust me– they are important. One of them is to see Revenge of the Sith, so you know what I’m talking about, Willis), and I won’t have time to post much. Either way, I’ll be back in Chicago on Friday, and so normal posting will resume then.

However, I did think of one really interesting thing while traveling down here in the car for 5 hours. I discovered that I really like leaving places I’ve lived for a while. Maybe it’s just the old adage of “absence” and a “fonder growing heart” (which, incidentally, sounds like a medical condition that a board certified internist should examine), but I find that when you leave someplace you’ve been for a while, you suddenly get a very clear sense of how it has affected you. While driving down, I remembered a friend in Chicago that I hadn’t seen for a while, and it hit me very suddenly that there was now both space and time growing between us. I was surprised by how much knowing him and everyone I’ve known in Chicago had affected who I was since the last time I’d been home a few months ago.

Everyone says you should try new things, and you should from time to time. But it occurs to me that sometimes you don’t really need to try new things– sometimes it’s interesting enough to walk away from the normal things for a bit.

Q: Knock Knock.

A: Who’s there?

Q: Banana!

A: [sigh]

Q: I said “Banana.”

A: Do I really have to do this?

Q: Ban-an-a.

A: Banana who?

Q: Knock knock.

A: What? I just said, Banana who? It’s over.

Q: No, it’s part of the joke. Knock knock.

A: I’m done with this. I don’t like these jokes.

Q: Who doesn’t like jokes? It’s funny, trust me. You’ll like it. Knock knock.

A: Who’s there?

Q: Banana.

A: Ha ha, very funny. Good joke.

Q: No, now you say banana who?

A: I already said that. Yes, very funny.

Q: No, it’s not over. I said knock knock, and you said who’s there, and now I say banana, and then you say banana…?

A: I’m not saying anything.

Q: Banana wwwwwhhhh…..?

A: Fine. Banana who?

Q: Knock knock!

A: Look, I’m really done with this. I’m not interested, and it’s not funny to me.

Q: It’s funny. It’s almost over. Come on.

A: No, you’re always like this. It’s not funny to me, and I don’t like it. I wish you’d stop assaulting me like this.

Q: Every time you say that, and every time you end up laughing. It’s funny. Just say who’s there?

A: I’m serious, I don’t want to do this.

Q: Knock knock!

A: I feel like you’re suffocating me.

Q: Knock knock!

A: Who is there?

Q: Banana!

A: Look, I’ve had enough. I’m walking away.

Q: Oh, honey, come on. Come on. Look, I swear it’s almost over. It’s very funny. I told your sister the other day and she laughed out loud.

A: My sister? When did you talk to my sister?

Q: Oh, she just called looking for you or something, whatever. But she really liked the joke. Come on, it’s almost done.

A: What did she have to say?

Q: Who knows, it doesn’t matter. I said banana, and then you said…

A: I told you, I really don’t want to do this.

Q: You’ll like it. Banana…?

A: Banana who?

Q: Knock knock.

A: You bastard.

Q: Last time I swear. I say knock knock, and then you say…?

A: I don’t say anything. I’m done with this, and I’m done with you.

Q: Oh, honey, come on. It’s funny, you’ll laugh. Knock knock!

A: Who. Is. There.

Q: Orange!

A: What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me?

Q: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? HA!

A: I want a divorce.

My fish died today, after I changed his water last night. His name was, more or less, Fish.

He was a good fish, and I’m surpised he lived this long (fourteen months in my apartment, not sure how long before that). He always ate when I fed him, and never complained about a thing, even when I accidentally froze him (he rethawed just fine– that’s why my roommate called him Lazarus).

One of his favorite things to do was blow bubbles in the top of the tank, which I read somewhere is what bettas do when they’re happy (“ready to mate,” is what it actually said– “happy” was apparently a euphemism). I was amazed, too, at how often he did that. I would think it would be fairly miserable, hanging out in the same little tank every day, watching the world go by. But I’d come home from work, and stop by and check him out and feed him, and almost every day there’d be bubbles in the top of the tank.

I probably didn’t change his water as much as I should have. And I probably didn’t quite feed him everything I could– one of the manuals said to supplement his diet with bloodworms, but both my roommate and I got freaked out a little bit about keeping something called bloodworms (alive or dead) in our fridge, right next to our food. Sorry, Fish. Wish I’d been able to do those things better for you.

Nevertheless, I like to think you had a pretty good run. You seem like you enjoyed everything that happened, and I hope that, somewhere in all those times of me watching you and you watching me cook dinner, make sandwiches and read the paper there in my kitchen, you found a reason you were there with me. A little happiness, I hope– a serenity that, maybe, is found only in existing, in being.

Thanks to Bahamut on the Cenarius server, who doesn’t really think I’m a noob. I think.

CITY OF CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
DEPARTMENT OF ADMINISTRATIVE HEARINGS

FROM: CITY OF CHICAGO, Petitioner
TO: Schramm, Michael, Respondent

On 3-21-2005 you were issued a ticket for:

0976160A REAR AND FRONT PLATE REQUIRED

As a defense to this ticket you have asserted that the violation is inconsistent. An Administrative Law Officer has reviewed all the evidence submitted, either in person or by mail, by the City of Chicago and you.

It is the finding of the Administrative Law Officer that the violation does not contain all the required information as set forth in the ordinance.

Consequently, you are not responsible for the fine.

ENTERED: Julie Haran-King, Administrative Law Officer, 05-06-2005

I like this site a lot, and work hard on it, but there are days when, because of work that actually pays, I am unable to find the time to provide you with new content.

Today is, unfortunately, one of those days.

However, feel free to check out the new pictures I put up the other day, or maybe you could look at the bloggin’ archives. Lots of funny stuff in there. Or maybe you haven’t yet read anything in the regular archives. If not, I suggest you do so. Read, and enjoy.

Thanks for your patience, expect a new mikeschramm.com tomorrow. Have a good day.

A lot of people bought greeting cards from work yesterday for Mother’s Day. But they’re all so hyperbolic– “here’s hoping you have a GREAT day” or “You’re the Most AMAZING Person” or “I LOVE you.” What if they made greeting cards for people who weren’t so sure about their emotions?

“Get well soon. If you can, that is. I’m sure they’re doing everything possible for you.”

“This is just a note to thank you. For your offer to help. Sorry I didn’t take you up on it, but I just wasn’t sure you’d do it right.”

“You’re a pretty good person, I guess. You have a strange laugh, but it’s not too grating.”

“I really like being with you. On Thursdays. And sometimes during the weekend, but only if I’m not too busy.”

“Have a happy birthday! I mean, if you want. It’s your day, do whatever you think is right.”

“To the 4th or 5th best Grandad in the world! Well, top 10 at least. Inside the top 100 for sure. Probably.”

“You’re 30! That’s pretty old. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not like an old maid or anything, you’re still young! Just not that young.”

“Happy birthday, nephew! Or is it second cousin? I never get these right. Maybe it’s first cousin, once removed. If you’re my sister’s daughter’s cousin, what does that make you? Are we even related?”

“Sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I’d known him better. Maybe he would have seemed like a better person. I mean, I only met him that once.”

“Happy Anniversary! I think. It’s usually sometime around this part of the year, right? I know it’s right near Labor Day. If it isn’t, can you just pretend this card says how much I love you or something? Thanks.”

“It’s a boy! Isn’t it?”