I wrote this as an away message a long time ago, and this girl messaged me and said she “seriously read it, like 10 times and laughed everytime.” True story.

“Hello?”

“Hi this is Mike Schramm, and I’m looking for…”

“Wait a minute! THIS is Mike Schramm! Who are you??”

“I’m Mike Sch.. wait, what’s going on here?”

*universe explodes*

1up.com has just released a list of the Top 10 “girlfriend-friendly” games. With non-gamer games like Bejeweled, the Sims, and Animal Crossing, they postulate that those games are most likely to pull a non-gamer significant other into the gaming lifestyle.

If those are “girlfriend-friendly” games, then what are the type of games that I play?

5. Madden 2005: Or, really, any of the Madden football games. If she doesn’t like watching football on TV already, she definitely won’t be interested in watching you play football on television. In fact, almost all of the hardcore sports games are instant turn-offs. Try throwing Madden in at a party. All the guys will crowd around the television, and all the women will run off to the kitchen and talk about how boring the guys are.

4. Diablo II: It’s a great game, but just one hint of the demon and dungeon hacking and slashing, and you’ll be sleeping on the couch for weeks. Don’t even bother bragging to her about your sweet +4 Bastard Sword of Frost Slashing or +5 Helmet of Firey Health– for some strange reason, she won’t care. Trust me, I know.

3. Counterstrike: Again, terrific game, but for some reason most girlfriends won’t get into the gunplay. I think it’s because they never played cops and robbers as kids. Seriously– ask any girl you know to make the sound of a gun firing or the noise of an explosion. Odds are, she’ll say “pshoo pshoo” or “boom.” We all know the sound of a gun firing is “duche duche duche kakakakakakakaka shoooboboboommm” (gutteral growl included).

2. Dead or Alive 3: Almost any fighting game is to girls like garlic is to vampires, but this one is notoriously heinous. It’s violent, the females are “colorful,” and there’s even a “jiggle” setting. You can figure out for yourself what that does. And don’t even bother putting in DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball, unless you never want to see your significant other again.

1. Alpha Centauri: What do you get when you combine one of the greatest games of all time with countless hours staring at a computer screen, large numbers of boring statistics, repetitive (if interesting) gameplay, and fairly generic graphics? Girlfriend repellent! If she catches you playing this, trust me, no amount of Animal Crossing, cute Mario Karts, or even Sims will make her look favorably on videogames (or, probably, you) ever again.

This one’s short, but I liked it. Total number of Mom-related jokes currently on this page: 3. Find them all!

I have found very little on your web site that interests me- what happened to your journalistic skills? What is it with the weird picture of Jesus swimming? And that weird site of titles for romance novels??

Thanks for sticking with me. Posts are rare lately. World of Warcraft is sucking up my life into its bottomless void. But in a good way.

Apparently, there’s been trouble over at the Brookfield Zoo. In the Penguin Pens. (is that what they call them?)

JERRY: Welcome back. We’re going to speak now to Tanya. She says that she’s been having issues with Zorita, who is also here. Tanya, welcome.

TANYA: Squaak squaak squaak!

JERRY: Here, have a fish. Tanya, who is a penguin, says that Zorita, a widow, is trying to– how did you say it backstage, Tanya? “Sex up her man.”

TANYA: Squaaaak!

ZORITA: Squaaak Squaaak Squaaak!!

(the two penguins jump out of chairs, waddle over to each other, and start fighting)

JERRY: Now, that’ s not right, break it up you two, we want to have a conversation here. Now, Tanya, Zorita has something to say as well.

ZORITA: Squaak Squaak! Squaak Squaak! Squaak!

JERRY: This is true. Zorita has found her own man, and his name is Gazpacho. Let’s bring him out!

(GAZPACHO waddles out from backstage. He is clearly only a teenager. ZORITA and TAYNA go at it again, held back by the security)

CROWD: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

JERRY: Ok, ok, ok let’s cool it down now. Gazpacho is here, Zorita, because you have something to tell him, too, don’t you? Go ahead.

ZORITA: Squaak Squaak. Squaak?

GAZPACHO: Squaaaak, baby.

ZORITA: Squaaaak… Squaaaak pregnant.

(GAZPACHO is shocked. ZORITA starts to cry. TANYA shakes her beak and snaps her flippers at ZORITA)

JERRY: That’s right, Zorita is now pregnant with Gazpacho’s son!

(GAZPACHO is angry, waddles off backstage)

JERRY: Let’s get some reaction from the crowd here.

CROWD MEMBER 1: Yeah, uh, that one penguin, Tanya? She should mind her own penguiny business. Zorita’s just a playa penguin, and playa penguins gotta play, baby.

JERRY: She’s actually a Humbolt Penguin, they’re endangered. How about you?

CROWD MEMBER 2: I think that Gazpierdo? Gazpacho. That guy. He’s young, but he has to come to grips with the fact that he’s going to have to take care of two chicks from now on. Those eggs aren’t going to sit on themselves, know what I mean?

CROWD cheers.

JERRY: All good thoughts. I want to thank both of our penguins for being here, and telling their side of the story. Love is never harder than in the animal world, where everyone has to fight over the best mating partners or how many fish there are to eat. We have to remember that times can be tough, and Zorita may be looking at a stint as a single mom. No one likes to be cheated on, but the Humboldts are endangered, so maybe it’s good that she sleeps with as many men as possible, even if they are as young as Gazpacho. And that’s my final thought. Take care of yourselves, and goodnight.

CROWD: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

(slow motion video of the two penguins catfighting)

I’m busy with a meeting and World of Warcraft today, so I may not get a chance to write something.

But I did get this put on Uber today, so go read that, and if I don’t see you, have a good weekend!

If you’re in Chicago, be sure to pick up Time Out Chicago this week. So you can see the article in it. Written by me!

There might be more than one article in there, too. I’m not sure.

Now the Pope’s name is Benedict XVI. Did you know there was a Pope Leo? And a Pope Lando?

Pope Jesus

Pope Rocky III

Pope Mobile

Pope Pope

Pope Unpious

Pope Epop (dyslexic)

Pope Cheeto

Pope Mary

American Idol’s website is reporting that host Ryan Seacrest will recieve a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today.

And I, for one, think it’s about time.

The Walk of Fame is reserved for the best of the best of Hollywood’s elite. Begun in 1960, it showcases the names of some of Hollywood’s finest talents. Lucille Ball, Humphrey Bogart, and Hitchcock all grace the famous walk, as do modern screen legends Harrison Ford, Tom Cruise, and Kevin Coster. The Walk honors the best in all of Hollywood’s fields: music, movies, television, radio, and stage. Gene Autry has a star for each category. Honoress don’t even need to actually exist: Big Bird has a star, as does Lassie, and Rin Tin Tin.

But Seacrest– what else can you say about Ryan Seacrest that can’t be said? He’s a class act, a terrific performer in every way. Television, especially reality TV, hasn’t seen anyone this talented and versatile since Joe Rogan told some girl on Fear Factor that she could do it.

Who can forget those classic “Seacrest moments”? Like when he told that one girl that she was voted off or something? Or when he told the audience to pick up their phones and vote? No one will ever forget “Seacrest out!” for the completely unannoying line that it truly is, and I seem to remember he was whining about something on Howard Stern sometime. I don’t really remember or know anything about him, but if he’s getting a star on the Walk of Fame, he must be an immense, immense talent.

Yes, it’s about time we honored Ryan Seacrest in this way. He’s worked too hard and too long without any recognition, slowly fighting his way to the top, taking all the jobs that no one else would. When they needed someone to host a little show called American Idol, who did they find? Ryan Seacrest. And when they needed someone to host a second season of that show, who did they choose? And a third season, only weeks after that? Seacrest, and Seacrest again. Sacrifice after sacrifice, the man has shown how committed he is to not only his career, but his craft as an artist.

So enjoy the star, Seacrest! And keep making that wonderful show, American Idol. I personally haven’t seen it, but it must be really amazingly professional television, because people keep tuning in week after week. Someone told me it was a lame knockoff of Star Search, which itself was lame, but I said I didn’t believe them. “Because,” I said, “America doesn’t like crap, and America likes American Idol!” And, with this Walk of Fame star, America will show the world that it likes Ryan Seacrest, too. Seacrest out? No, my friends, Seacrest in!

I just watched Elektra today. I like Jennifer Garner. Mostly. But I didn’t like the movie.

Rob Bowman, Director: Oh my God, you guys. I can’t wait to shoot this movie! It’s going to be amazing!

Production Assistant 1: Well, I’ve worked on quite a few movies in my time. What makes you think this one’s going to be so good?

RB: It’s got ninjas, man!

Production Assistant 2: I agree, ninjas are very awesome.

RB: Wait until you see the ninjas in this movie, man! They flip and fight and kick all kinds of ass!

PA1: That does sound very cool.

RB: And then they have like swords and they can jump around, and they do all kinds of fighting! It’s going to be great!

PA2: Wow, now I am really excited to be working on this movie!

RB: Yeah! And then, when they die, they explode into light!!

PA1: (silence)

PA2: Wait, what? They explode into… light?

RB: It’s going to be cool, man! They’ll just blow up in a flash of light and smoke! BOOM!

PA2: That seems… Why would they do that?

RB: Because it’s cool, man! Boom! Light and smoke, I got the boys over in SFX working on it right now!

PA1: But when we did the research on ninjas, we never found any information that says ninjas will explode in light and smoke. It just doesn’t happen.

PA2: Is there even a reason given in the script for them exploding when they die?

RB: No way man! That’s why it’s mysterious!

PA1: Right. Anyway, we’ve got Jennifer Garner all set to play Elektra. Now, she died in the end of Daredevil, so our movie will probably be a prequel, right?

RB: Nope.

PA1: But, she’s dead. She died in the end of the movie.

RB: Right. We’re bringing her back.

PA1: [sigh]

RB: There’s this mysterious force called Kimarhri that makes you move all fast and stuff. And it can also bring people back from the dead! So she comes back.

PA2: Is this the same mysterious force that makes ninjas explode in light and smoke?

RB: Sure, whatever. Boom!

PA1: Fine, mysterious force, ninjas exploding, I don’t care. But we do need to schedule Jennifer to get her hair dyed, since Elektra’s hair is black in the comics.

RB: Comics?

PA1: You do know this movie is based on a comic book, right?

RB: You mean they made a comic book? I’ll have to have my assistant read it sometime. Anyway, no black hair for Jennifer’s character. She’s a tormented little girl in this movie, black would be too strong.

PA2: Too strong? But in the comics, she was a powerful, scary woman. Matt Murdock…

RB: Who’s that?

PA2: That’s Daredevil? Ben Affleck played him in the movie last year?

RB: Didn’t see it.

PA2: Anyway, in the comics, Matt Murdock was surprised and scared by this powerful, female assassin he met in college. She was freewheeling, immoral and sexy, everything the blind law student Murdock wasn’t. Frank Miller, the comic book artist who created her, was giving Murdock an outlet, a dangerous side, by pairing him with this dangerous Daddy’s little girl, not to mention that the very qualities that made her attractive– her scent, her noiseless, graceful movement– were the same ones that Murdock could recognize with his hightened senses. She was the perfect partner for Murdock, but she was flawed and too dangerous for him, and she eventually died because of it.

PA1: That sounds awesome. Maybe we could portray that in the movie! It seems like there’s a really powerful, interesting tragedy here wrapped in this comic book story, and maybe we can get it captured on film!

RB: Does it have exploding ninjas though?

PA2: Well, no, but you didn’t even explain why the ninjas–

RB: DOES IT?

PA2: Well, no.

RB: All right, then. Exploding ninjas in, interesting and powerful tragedy out. This movie is going to rock! Did I tell you we got this girl who’s going to kiss Jennifer Garner!?!?

Hope your weekend went well. I bought World of Warcraft. And then I played it for a long, long time.

Happy weekend, yall. I’m buying World of Warcraft for myself today as an early birthday present, so I’ll be playing that until my eyes fall out.

Britney sighed. She’d forgotten about soccer practice. Again. She had to be over to Beachwood Elementary to pick up Kevin Jr. by five again, or he’d be late for practice.

“Mrs. Federline?” the guidance counselor interrupted her train of thought.

“Yes, I’m sorry, what is it?” she answered, wiping her forehead. The slightest traces of wrinkles were already appearing there, the thinnest of crows feet around her eyes.

“I was saying that I think we have an issue here,” the guidance counselor continued. She was an older woman named Henrietta Jergen. Britney didn’t really like her– she spoke as if she knew everything that no one else did, like an old schoolmarm. Or at least Britney would have thought she spoke like an old schoolmarm if she’d ever been to school.

Henrietta continued. “Young Cheeto just isn’t very involved in her schoolwork. She doesn’t play well with the other children, and she’s not showing initiative the way she should at this age.”

Britney sighed again, and looked at her daughter, playing on the floor. Before she’d had Kevin Jr six years ago, life had been easier. Vamping for the tabloids with a cigarette or a drink, going on shopping sprees with Jamie Lynn, and meditating with Madonna. After the first baby, though, Kevin Jr., everything had changed.

“That’s certainly something to think about,” she told Henrietta, and looked at her watch. 4:35. Just over twenty minutes to get out of here and get Kevin Jr. to soccer practice. Then she’d have to run by the supermarket and grab something for tonight. But it couldn’t take too long, because there was lots of homework to be done– Kevin Jr had a science project that he’d been putting off for weeks. Some diorama or something. She’d have to help him with that, right after she looked up what a diorama was. Either way, not a lot of time for food. Hamburger Helper or mac and cheese again.

“It is,” answered the guidance counselor. “I hope that everything is fine at home?” Sure, it was, thought Britney while mentally rolling her eyes. Kevin Sr. wasn’t into raising kids from the beginning, but with Britney pregnant, they decided he’d have to be the one bringing home the bacon. With the economy the way it was, the best he could find was a job selling insurance for an old high school friend’s dad. It made OK money (enought for Hamburger Helper), but it involved a lot of cold calling, and it brought Kevin home grumpy at the end of the night. Their marriage suffered for it– they only ever said a few words to each other anymore. But, they had decided over a tasteful dinner date a while back, that they’d stay together. They were in it for the long run, for the sake of the children. But Britney wondered to herself what kind of life their children were leading. All she wanted to do was give them all the chances she’d never had.

Well, the chances she’d never taken advantage of. Well, at least some of the chances that she’d had. Well, at least some of the chances she still remembered.

“Life at home is fine,” she told Henrietta. 4:39. “Will this take long? We have to pick up Cheeto’s brother.”

“I understand,” said Henrietta, but Britney wondered if she did. “It may be a phase, but I’d say the best thing to do is to provide her with a solid foundation of learning at home. Life may be busy”– 4:41– “but there’s nothing more important than our children.”

This is toxic, Britney thought. Get me out of here. “I agree.”

Henrietta thanked her for coming in, and Britney swiped up Cheeto and her toys, and headed for the minivan. Henrietta watched out the window as Britney strapped her daughter into the back seat and then sat in front, put the keys in the ignition. For a moment, she thought she saw Britney pause a second, lean over the wheel, and rub her forehead slowly while Cheeto fussed and fidgeted in the back seat.

Then, Britney sat up, turned on the ignition, and pulled the minivan out of the school parking lot. She flicked on her turn signal, and waited for the light to change so she could go pick up Kevin Jr. for soccer practice.

From: usmanbe900@yahoo.com
To: mike@mikeschramm.com

Re: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Dear Sir,

Praise to you in the Lord Jesus Christ and all of his followers. Kindly allow me the modesty of introducing myself. My name is GEORGE GEIAMBALA, and I am the crown Prince of the Republic of Zaire. I seek your help with an investment.

My father recently passed away, and left me a measurable sum of $ 3,000,000 (THREE MILLION) Dollars U.S. Before he died, he advised me to invest the money in a bank in your country. Due to social instability in my own country, I am seeking a partner to invest the money for me. I would very much like to place this sum in your bank account. If you would send me your bank information and routing numbers, I will have all the documents necessary, and complete this financial transaction, which is 100% risk free. Once I am able to place this SUM in your account, for your assistance during this transfer I will extend to you a payment of 20% or OVER $600,000 (SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND) dollars.

Please email me back at your latest convenience. I don’t get many emails, especially since my poor father passed away, and so I would definitely appreciate hearing from you. Sometimes, I think I’ll hear his voice in the hallway, or in the street, but when I turn and look, he isn’t there, and it’s someone else or the movement of the wind playing tricks on me. It’s taken me a long, long time to realize that the man I loved and revered is gone. And he’s left me an inordinate amount of money. That I’d like to give to you, of course.

How is America? Is it fun? I have access to the internet, so I know all about your culture. I just read on Britney’s website that she’s pregnant– isn’t that freaky? I wonder what her and Federline’s kids will look like! What kind of music do you like? I mostly like Franz Ferdinand, but lately I am getting into The Killers as well. I think they are so rad, and totally eighties. Please email me back and tell me what your favorite music is, so I can look it up on Itunes. You can just send it with your bank account information, I would really appreciate it.

So, I guess I’ll let you go. They just opened a new Starbucks across town, and my girlfriend JENNIFER ABIEION keeps nagging me to go. “It’s $4 a cup for coffee!” I tell her, but you know how she needs her frappacinos! Hope everything is well with you. Don’t forget about this bank account thing, OK? Please? I know you’ll be there for me.

Thanks, man. Oh, by the way, did I tell you about this new drug I found, or this free software that’s available? Seriously, I got it from the guy at the office. I’ll forward it to you– seriously, you’ll love it! Peace.

Yours Sincerely,

GEORGE GEIAMBALA

P.S. Please Consider Transaction!

Regular readers of this fine web establishment will have already noted that I have a distinct prediliction for videogames, particularly extremely addictive ones. That fact, and the fact that I have recently reinstalled Dark Age of Camelot, and am about to purchase World of Warcraft, is presented by way of explaining the poor quality of today’s mikeschramm.com. Frankly, I stayed up late playing the game, and the site has, lamentably, suffered because of it.

Opponents of the site (or perhaps just cynics in general) will sarcastically comment that they don’t notice a change in the site’s quality. Such comments can be ignored with impunity.

The folks at Children’s Television workshop recently announced that Cookie Monster was going to cut back on the cookies. What they didn’t tell you was that it wasn’t a choice. By court order, Cookie Monster followed the path of the television superstar, and found himsef in rehab.

How does mikeschramm.com know this? We found his case file from the 28 day program.

Day 1: Subject is incomprehensible and moody, asks for cookies by first letter, and keeps attempting to fulfill expectations with addiction. “That’s good enough for me,” he says. When offered another outlet for his creativity and expression– a set of crayons and a drawing pad, he consumed them outright and demanded more cookies.

Day 3: Early physical exams indicate major malnutrition. Short blue hair/fur covers almost the entire body. Eyes stay almost completely open, and subject rarely blinks. In addition, eyes seem to be kind of “googly.” Further physical investigation recommended– subject appears to have no clear neck or body division remaining. Suspicion of digestive issues, especially after subject has devoured multiple househould utensils and large colored letters.

Day 4: Deterioration continues. Subject is now only able to use the most fundamental of language– is often heard to say “Me want cookie” and “Cookie to eat.” Subject also calls self “monster”; particular attention should be paid to reinforcing self esteem and self image. Suggestion for group session with recovering crack addict Oscar the Grouch. Perhaps by seeing the condition of his partner in addiction (life in a garbage can), Mr. Blue (as we’ve come to call him) can find the strength to make something more of himself.

Day 12: Progress made. Began to coax him away from “the snack”– the mere mention of his circular treat brings him almost the point of insanity. Also suggested replacement of his addiction method with healthier alternative. C is for Carrot? C is for Cappucino? If nothing else, to get him off this dependence on repetition, we suggested C is for Calming. Positive response to that.

Day 19: Terrific advancement completed– subject has been clean (“C is for…”) for going on three days strong now. Blue fur is starting to clear up, and eyes are much less googley. Subject is able to enjoy and participate in meaningful, social conversation without mentioning any type of dessert snacks. More subconscious traces have begun to manifest themselves however– when subject is asked to create a random drawing, he creates a round shape with small chips in the middle. Denying any cookie-relation, subject suggests innocently that it is a picture of the moon. However, subject also reports terrible nightmares and night-sweats, presumably cookie related.

Day 25: Devastation. After a productive group session with both Bert and Ernie (attending the Center for gender identification issues), a routine search of the subject’s room revealed a box of contraband. Subject denied any knowledge of the finding, however, when questioned, slipped out a quiet “Me want cookie,” before breaking down emotionally. Careful consideration must be made from this point on– any misstep could result in the loss of weeks of work.

Day 28: Continued one-on-one interviews with subject reveal that movement has been made in the correct direction. Subject is aware of the problem and is ready to make progress away from the addictive substance. Center’s decision is to release subject on own recognizance and wish him well– the monster is no more. Center also prescribes, however, 30 mg Ritalin and 30 mg Prozac, 2 doses per day for foreseeable future. Take with tall glass of milk.

Jamie Sides is one of my oldest friends, and probably the most regular reader of this website, which automatically makes her good people. Yesterday was her birthday. You probably don’t know her, but send me a nice birthday note for her anyway, and I’ll pass it on.

Dear City of Chicago Department of Revenue,

On Monday night, March 21, 2005, I arrived at my vehicle parked in the 1400 block of [street withheld] to find this ticket (enclosed) on my windshield. The ticket was issued to me because the front plate was missing from my vehicle. Although this was true, at the time, I’m sending you this letter to contest this ticket, and ask you kindly to consider rescinding the charge against me.

A few days prior to my recieving the ticket, I had come back to my car, parked legally on the street, to find my front license plate still attached, but about to fall off. Someone, probably parked in front of me, had bumped the front of my car, and had broken the holder on the license plate. There were two bolts connected by two plastic hooks, and one of the plastic hooks had been cracked apart completely, and the other one was hanging on by a thread. Not wanting the plate to fall off and be lost and/or potentially damage my car’s underside, I went ahead and removed the plate the rest of the way, and kept it under the front seat of my car. Note: at no time did the plate ever leave the inside of my car. Had any law official asked me, I would have been happy to show it to them, along with my valid driver’s license and registration. Also note: the plate on the back of my car was clearly accessible and firmly secured the entire time. There would have been no doubt that the car I drive was both legally owned and licensed by me.

Of course, as soon as I recieved the ticket, I made plans to reattach the plate. I was quite busy over the weekend– in addition to a job as a full time retail manager, I also freelance for a couple of magazines here in Chicago. However, the following Tuesday, as soon as I could, I made a trip to the local hardware store, and reattached the plate in question. As proof, I have enclosed a picture of the reattached plate, again clearly accessible and available, as my back plate had been the entire time.

Although I have not lived here long, I have a great respect for the City of Chicago and the government that runs it. We’ve met once before, you and I– I recieved a parking ticket for parking under a viaduct, and in that case quickly acknowledge my error and paid the ticket in total. I have also had experience with your legal “cousin,” if you will– Jesse White, the Secretary of State of Illinois. He sent me a letter a while back asking me to get my car emissions-tested, and again, I did so with the utmost speed and required reverence. That time, I was able to fix the problem before legal action was necessary.

And so, City of Chicago Department of Revenue, I present my case. I acknowledge your complaint, and, even though my car’s condition was originally the result of someone else’s actions, I have taken quick and necessary steps to rectify the situation. I kindly request that you consider the situation and dismiss the charge against me. I thank you for your quick answer, and wish you good day.

Sincerely,

Mike Schramm

“Rapper C-Murder [a.k.a. Corey Miller] has changed his name to C-Miller after realizing that his stage name hurt his chances to get a fair trial and out of jail.”

I’d imagine other rappers might follow suit.

Snoop Puppy

Medical Student Dre

Big-Boned Joe

Public Friend

Ghostface Heated Discussionah

“Jump Around” will be performed by House of Pan. Bread will be sold at their shows.

Outkast will now be called The Insidaz

“Nas” would like to be called “Nice”

Geto Boys would rather be referred to as The Transitional Socioeconomic Area Boys

50 Cent will scale back by about half and call himself “The Quarta”

Will Smith will not change his name at all

ANNOUNCER: … and that’s why I had to apologize to her! Pretty embarassing, I know. Well, here we are in Millenium Park in Chicago, and we’re waiting for the appearance of Mike Schramm. He’s called a press conference, and all the major newspapers, television and radio stations, and fans are here, and he should arrive any moment now. And… wait, here he is. He’s making his way to the podium. We now join him live.

[SOUNDS OF LIGHTBULBS FLASHING]

MIKE: Good afternoon, everyone. First off, I want to thank you all for coming out on such short notice. The amount of interest we’ve had in this is– well it’s just overwhelming. And I thank you all for your patience this afternoon. I have a written statement, and then we will have a short question and answer period.

My name is Mike Schramm, and I have a website at mikeschramm.com. On it, I post errata and different pieces that I write– mostly junk that I think is funny and/or interesting. I will get an average of 30 or 40 visitors a day, until yesterday. Yesterday at about 6:49 p.m., my site was listed on both USA Today’s hipclicks, and Boingboing.net. Since then, my site is getting hundreds of visitors every few hours.

Also, during the past few months, I have been working for a small Chicago weekly called Newcity. I’ve written numerous pieces for them in the past, including a shattering expose of a videogame release party. My work there has gone smoothly, but largely unnoticed. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here today to tell you that is the case no more.

I, Mike Schramm, would like to announce that today Newcity has published a story of mine. As their cover story.

[MURMURING AND GENERAL RESTLESSNESS]

MIKE: I know, I know. I just want to assure everyone that this is real, and that you can find the issue of Newcity featuring my cover story on newsstands now in Chicago, and everywhere at the website linked above. Now, I know a lot of people will feel the need to start panicking or question the reason of their decision, but I’m here to tell everyone that no doubt is necessary. There’s no reason to worry, there’s no reason to fear. This is just a normal, and natural, result of the process that has led us to this point. Please understand that we’re doing everything we can to make sure that this goes well. I will now take any questions. Let’s start with you on the front.

REPORTER1: Are you saying that your web presence has not only multiplied, uh, exponentially, but that a respected publication with a large circulation has given you real estate on their cover, and the largest feature in the magazine?

MIKE: That– That, according to my information– That appears to be the case, yes. You on the left.

REPORTER #2: Hello, Mr. Schramm. Jenny Lewis, WABC New York. How do you respond to allegations that the piece you wrote that led you to get listed in USA Today’s hipclicks was actually based on another website’s information?

MIKE: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

REPORTER #2: The piece that was linked to was an interview with a person standing in line for Star Wars, correct?

MIKE: That is correct.

REPORTER #2: A source tells me that that interview was possible with information from another website. How do you respond?

MIKE: Oh, I see. Let me explain something. The piece in question was an interview with someone on a pay phone. I obtained the number to the payphone from another website. But I called the number myself, spoke on the phone myself, and operated the tape recorder myself. I did all of these things. So, this idea of the information being possible– that’s just not true. I wrote that piece. Another question? You, in the back.

REPORTER #3: Mark Chopper, Washington Post. What is the Newcity article about?

MIKE: Good question. It’s about Sam Weller, the author of The Bradbury Chronicles, the first biography of Ray Bradbury. For the article, I not only read the book in one day, but got to visit the Rick Kogan show this past weekend, and got to speak, on the phone, directly to Ray Bradbury. I will say, and you all can quote me on this, that writing the article was a great experience, and I am better for it. Let’s have another question. You, with the red blouse. Yes, you.

REPORTER #4: My name is Mary Simon from KTLA Los Angeles. Mr. Schramm, this is all very exciting for you. What do you plan to do next?

MIKE: Thank you, Mary, good question. Well, I don’t plan to stop, I’ll tell you that. You can check back at the website for hilarious content all the time. At least most of the time. At least two– no, wait. Ok, maybe 1/10ths of the time. But I try. Also, I’ll be attending the Sam Weller reading this evening at Sonotheque. So I expect you all to be there! There will be free beer, so you know it will be a good time. So, to answer your question, Mary, I plan to get drunk!

[LOUD LAUGHTER FROM ALL SIDES, GENERAL ADULATION]

MIKE: Ha! Well this has gone great, thank you all for coming. Thank you, thank you. No, really, thank you. No. Really. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: Wow. Interesting announcement from an interesting man. I’d love to spend some time and discuss this, with you, Announcer #2, but I’m afraid I won’t. Just don’t want to. Not at all. In fact, I’m quitting. Take this announcing job, and shove it!

ANNOUNCER #2: We’ll be right back.

Ladies and gentlemen, my life is now complete. After yesterday’s Star Wars conversation got picked up on Boing Boing, I accomplished a lifelong dream. I was featured as a USA Today Hipclick by the illustrious Whitney Matheson. I’ve never met her, but with a name and website like that, I just assume she must be illustrious. When I was a child, I used to lie in bed and dream of the stars. I used to dream of one day flying to them, visiting the heavens, and soaring with God. Back then, when I dreamed, somehow I knew that one day I would live my dreams.

And now I’ve been featured on Hipclicks. Today is that day.

P.S. If you’re in Chicago tomorrow, you better be here.

I’m not from Chicago or anything, and I don’t really care one way or the other about the Illini. But my bracket self-destructed early on, losing me $5 in the process. So I’m a little bitter.

Q: Why couldn’t the Fighting Illini find their way home last night?

A: Because THEY were LOST.

Q: Why did all the Illini players fail their French tests?

A: Something was LOST in translation.

Q: Why didn’t anybody sit with the baseketball players from the University of Illinois in junior high school?

A: Because they were LOSERS.

Q: What’s the Fighting Illini’s favorite TV show?

A: LOST.

Q: What will the Illinois players do in the offseason?

A: Who cares? THEY LOST.

Q: Why are the Illinois players such losers?

A: Good question.

Boing Boing posted the phone number of the payphone outside Grumman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood, where a bunch of Star Wars geeks are already lined up for the release of Episode III, due out May 16th.

So I called it.

[this is how he picked up]

Star Wars line, where it’s too hot for costumes, but we wear them anyway!

What’s the temperature down there?

It’s kind of warm, low 70s.

What’s your name?

My name’s Elliot, what’s yours?

Mike.

Hi Mike.

You hanging out in the Star Wars line?

Yeah.

How long have you been there?

I’ve been here since Saturday at 1:45.

It’s the payphone right?

Yup.

What’s the location of the payphone?

The payphone is on Hollywood Boulevard and Orange Drive.

Have people been calling all day?

Yeah. Every time I hang up the phone, it rings again.

Just people, or is it all radio shows?

Well, we got one radio station, we got one reporter, a lot of prank calls, and a lot of people.

Prank calls? What’s the best prank call you got?

This guy asked me if I lived with my mom. And I told him I lived with his.

Funny. When does the movie come out?

It comes out the sixteenth.

So you’re going to sit there for six weeks?

Off and on.

Do you have someone holding your place?

No, the way it works is you sign in and out of line, and the more hours you spend standing in line, the closer you are to the front when tickets go on sale.

How many hours do you have?

Just less than 40.

How many do you think you’ll rack up?

I’m going for clear over 110.

What did you think of the first two movies in the series?

Eh. The first two left something to be desired. But I think that third one is going to be definitely fulfilling.

You think all this waiting will be worth it?

Oh, yeah. A lot of people here don’t like the spoilers, don’t like to know about it, but I know everything about the movie.

If Han Solo and Kirk get in a fistfight, who’s going to win?

Oh, Han Solo.

Kirk’s gotten out of a lot of tough situations.

I have a lot of respect for Kirk, but Han Solo is a pretty tough cookie.

Who’s going to win, Worf or Jar Jar?

Worf?

He’s a klingon.

Oh, he is? Then he’s going to kick Jar Jar’s ass.

Yeah, Jar Jar will lose to anybody.

Jar Jar is pretty much just going to die.

What’s the best costume you’ve seen?

Best costume? A Twi’lek.

Cool.

A Twi’lek is like a slave dancer in Jabba’s palace.

Good times. Thanks, man. Have fun down there.

Thank you.

Whew. I just wrote something really huge that you’ll hear about later this week. But I’m really tired, and kind of tired of writing. So let’s do a Link Roundup!

Today’s Link Roundup consists of links that I should have long ago deleted from my bookmarks, but for some reason have not. You know how you always save a link to something you find interesting at the time, but never end up going back there? That’s what these are!

Alexandra Dupont Bibliography: Before I started RJ’s, someone mentioned to me that Alexandra Dupont was the best reviewer on the Internet. I found this and meant to read all of her reviews, but never got around to it. Then, of course, I started Retarded Jimmy’s, and now we all know where the best reviews on the Internet are.

Do the Chicken W(rap): I think this was probably a recipe I wanted to make. Except that I don’t really like wraps at all, so I’m not sure why I would have planned on making it. If you’re interested, make it and tell me if it’s good. Probably, I was just really hungry, and looking around for recipes.

Blogging with Moveable Type: I had this saved in my bookmarks folder because I used to blog with Moveable Type. But then they started charging for their program, so I don’t need this anymore! Baleeted!

GameFaqs for Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker: I never did beat this stupid game. And now I heard they’re remaking it for the release of the new game. O, cruel fates, that remake different version of while I’m still trying to play them! Cruel, cruel fates!

A9.com search engine: Oh man, I must have been drunk when I bookmarked this! HAHA! WHO WOULD EVER USE THIS PIECE OF CRAP?!? HAHA!!!!

Aren’t I funny? I did say that I was really tired. Anyway, that’s all those links cleaned right out of my bookmarks. Now there’s lots of space in there for my two favorite websites.

Too obvious?