Man, that Mac mini looks hot, donit? Me wanty. Actually, what I really wanty is one of these– that’s what the saving account money is going towards right now.

When I first started this little feature here, I promised there would be some rocky times, and yet, I’ve been able to come up with something great tasting every single week since then. Today, I break my streak, because I’m not really sure these waffles came out exactly right.

A few months ago, I bought a Hamilton Beach Waffle Stix Maker (heh, check out the ‘Our Customers’ Advice’ recommendation on that page, too. funny.). It was a steal at $8, and it actually makes waffles really well. Usually, when I mix up the batter (I’ve alse used Jiffy Cake mix, and they’ve turned out fine that way, too) and pour it on, eight minutes later I end up with a light, fluffy, full waffle. It’s usually an easy snack, but it didn’t work out so well tonight.

Here’s what you’ll need, if you want to try and see if you can do batter than I can (that’s right, “batter!” HA! pun definitely intended!):

1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup melted butter
1 egg
2/3 cup milk
1 teas. vanilla (I used vanilla extract)
3/4 cup flour
1 teas. baking powder
pinch of salt

It’s really easy, all you have to do is mix up the ingredients in the order listed. The only place I might have made a mistake is by not beating the egg before I mixed it in– I just broke it into the mixture and whipped it all up together.

I mixed it all up into a batter, preheated the waffle iron, and poured the mix on the iron like normal.

The only problem is that when I opened the iron, instead of fluffy waffles, I had some kind of spongey cooked up mix. They didn’t rise at all, and they seemed overly soggy– instead of lifting off the waffles with a fork, I had to basically peel them off the iron. They didn’t taste too bad (I put some strawberry jam over them– the recipe recommended fresh fruit), but they definitely didn’t seem like the right consistency.

Just in case you want to make real waffles (these have worked for me before), here’s a regular waffle recipe:

1 cup flour
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 egg

Combine dry ingredients and wet ingredients seperately, then add wet mixture to dry ingredients. Stir until just blended, then pour batter on waffle iron.

That, I know, works. Six to eight minutes later you’ll be in waffle heaven, and there’s nothing batter than that (HA! “batter” again! I kill me!).

“I Require Sustenance” runs every Wednesday on mikeschramm.com. You probably don’t, but if you’d like to suggest a recipe or even be a guest chef, email away.

First Terrell Owens signs a football, then Joe Horn gets on a cell phone, and now Randy Moss moons opposing fans. Just how far will NFL players go?

-Score touchdown, hump football

-Go on rampage, pretend to murder other team’s players with invisible knife

-Perform portions of The Vagina Monologues, replacing the word “vagina” with “football”

-Pretend to be about to shake other team’s hand, then pull back at the last second and brush hair back

-Light goalpost on fire, jump through it

-Work three months a year, get paid $5 million

-Post on your Livejournal how you feel about the touchdown you just scored

-Build an altar in end zone, sacrifice a pig to “God of the Two Minute Warning”

-Perform intricate dance number set to a self-composed piece. When asked what it represents, murmur something about the beauty of all things, and the fact that the other team sucks

-Retire from football, enjoy c-list movie career, murder wife, get off of murder charges by hiring high profile defense team, play lots of golf

Hi! Welcome to mikeschramm.com! How was your weekend? Can I get you anything? A mimosa or some hors d’oeuvres? A warm towel? No? Enjoy, then.

Man, I love “24.” It’s a television show on Fox, and it’s all about action, and blowing stuff up, and torture, and traitors and patriots, just lots of awesomeness and coolness. Keifer Sutherland is Jack Bauer, a super federal agent who works for an antiterrorist division of the government, and the show runs in real time– each hour of the show is an hour in Jack Bauer’s incredibly hectic day. There’s been three seasons so far on DVD (I have them all), and the premiere was last night (another two hour chunk of it runs tonight on Fox). The story is all over the place (people have switched sides, then come back, switched sides again, and then come back again, and then died), but it’s a great show.

But as much as I like “24,” I would be, like, the worst character ever.

JACK BAUER: We’ve got to capture this witness, but he’s being held hostage by terrorists! I’ll go left, you go right, Mike! Go!

ME: Wait, whose left? Where am I supposed to go? Oh my God, that guy has a gun! Run, Jack!

(terrorist shoots at Jack, who ducks behind concrete, then jumps out and shoots terrorist, saving the witness)

ME: (runs away)

PRESIDENT DAVID PALMER: Schramm, I’ve got a problem, and I need your help. Terrorists have taken over a hotel in downtown LA, and they’re threatening to release a virus into the population if I don’t kill one of my advisors. This is a difficult moral situation– what should I do?

ME: Wow, tough one. Is the advisor hot?

PALMER: Hot? What?

ME: This advisor you’re supposed to kill– is she hot? That would matter. Oh, but the virus thing. Hmm… I’m stumped. I guess kill the girl. Do you have any nukes?

PALMER: Nukes? I don’t think that’s appropriate–

ME: Just blow stuff up, dude! Do you want people to die, Mr. President? DO YOU?!?

PALMER: Well, I–

ME: What’s this do? (presses random buttons)

CTU DIRECTOR TONY ALMEIDA: Mike, it’s a good thing you could come in on such short notice. We need to generate some GPS reports from the FBI database. I need you to open up sockets 110-120 on the x frame for me! Do it now!

ME: Was that english? Is this even Windows on this computer? What OS do you people use? This isn’t Windows ME, is it? Because that’s crap.

ALMEIDA: Listen, we don’t have time for this! People are going to die! If you don’t do your job, Schramm, I’m going to replace you with someone who can!

ME: Whatever. Does this thing have Solitaire? What’s this do? (presses random buttons)

ME: Man, I’m freaking tired. I’ve been up for, like, hours or some crap. Do you all ever sleep around here?

JACK BAUER: We’re running out of time! We need to find out what this terrorist knows about his mastermind, a guy named Saunders! Talk, scum!

RUSSIAN SCUM: I’m telling you nothink, Bauer! I will die before I help you!

BAUER: You sure about that? (takes out a knife, cuts off scum’s finger)

ME: DAMN! That looks like it hurt! Ewww, look at the blood! Dude, that sucks.

BAUER: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SAUNDERS!??!?

SCUM: I’ll tell you nothink! Do your worst!

(Bauer takes out gun, shoots scum in leg)

ME: AAAAGH! Jeez, Jack, there’s blood all over me! What the hell’s wrong with you? Aw, man this is totally disgusting, I’m out of here!

SCUM: Ok, I’ll talk! Damn you, Jack Bauer!

ME: (runs away)

(JACK and I are captured by terrorists)

BAUER: Mike, pass me that paperclip! I think I can still get us out of this! Mike!

ME: Zzzzzzzzzz…

(SAUNDERS and JACK are in a gunfight, I’m well rested and sneaking up behind the bad guy)

SAUNDERS: HA! (fights with Jack, kicks Jack’s gun away) Now I have you Bauer! It’s over! Time for Jack Bauer to die!

JACK: Mike, now! Jump out and shoot him!

ME: (jumps out and holds bad guy at gunpoint) HA! I win!

JACK: Shoot him, Mike! Shoot him now!!

ME: Take this, bad guy! (pull gun’s trigger, which goes click) Wait! Why doesn’t this work? Stupid gun!

JACK: The safety! Turn the safety off! It’s on the side!

ME: Hang on, I almost got it… (fumbles with gun)

SAUNDERS: Enough of this! Goodbye, Jack!

ME: I almost got it… (more fumbling)

SAUNDERS: (shoots Jack dead)

ME: Well, crap. Sorry Jack.

SAUNDERS: HA! Jack Bauer is dead! I’ve won!

ME: Umm…. (runs away)

I came to a realization today. All this time I’ve been trying to make it as a legitimate writer– writing short stories, attempting to do interesting freelance work, and even coming up with something creative here at mikeschramm.com every day. But, I decided today, that’s all been a mistake.

What I’ve decided to do, what I should have done from the beginning, is become a novelist. Specifically a mystery/thriller novelist. Look at, say, John Grisham, or James Patterson. All these guys do is crank out novel after novel, tweak a formula, and rake in the cash. I’ve been going about this all wrong.

And then I figured, why write the novels myself when I could write a program to do it for me? Check out my latest upcoming novel below, and then refresh the page to see another one!

< ?php /* thriller novel generator by Mike Schramm c2004Let's hope this works*/

srand(time());
$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$former = "pencil-pushing District Attorney";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$former = "rough but firm inner city schoolteacher";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$former = "chihuahua accessory store manager";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$former = "malevolent cop with a penchant for buggery";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$former = "accidental tourist";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$former = "gun-toting grandmother of three";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$former = "chainsmoking superstar celebrity";
} else {
$former = "failed crime novelist";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$name = "Arthur Goldwater";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$name = "J.P. Moringston III";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$name = "Stacey Smith";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$name = "Joey 'Flintlock' Greenspan";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$name = "Aimee Harrington";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$name = "Samantha 'Sammy' Cho";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$name = "Tony Verchanti";
$sex = "he";
$art = "his";
} else {
$name = "Herschel Morgan Weberington (known to her friends and family as 'Sid')";
$sex = "she";
$art = "her";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$pre = " found a pretty good life on the quiet streets of Boulder, Colorado";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$pre = " learned to settle down with a wife, a dog, and two and half kids";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$pre = " drowned sorrow after sorrow in Tom Collinses and Cosmos after a horrible yearlong power outage";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$pre = " seemingly found happiness after a chance meeting with a hippopotamus";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$pre = " set up a successful business brewing coffee made from human hair";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$pre = " reached the top of the fry cook ladder at the Main St. McDonalds in Boynton, PA";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$pre = " finally escaped from the cops after a misunderstanding involving whipped cream, a squirrel, and forty pounds of thumbtacks";
} else {
$pre = ", to everyone's surprise, won the final episode of American Idol by singing 'Hava Nagila'";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$event = "an insurance adjuster long since thought dead is seen at Chuck E Cheese's";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$event = "a strange man with a limp and an annoying French accent shows up at the door";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$event = "a series of drive by pie-throwings culminates in a Governor covered with lemon meringue";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$event = "five hundred clowns show up dead, all packed inside a VW Beetle";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$event = "the price of pork reaches an all time high";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$event = "a scantily dressed woman appears at the Las Vegas Police Station asking for 'Larry'";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$event = "the CIA asks for help in opening a top secret pickle jar";
} else {
$event = "the stars begin to align, and Pluto moves into Capricorn, signaling the end of the third trimester";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$danger = "greatest foe";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$danger = "oldest nemesis";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$danger = "most interesting fear";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$danger = "worst nightmare";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$danger = "creepiest fantasy";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$danger = "freakiest phantom";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$danger = "darkest memory";
} else {
$danger = "own version of hell";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$faced = "a crazy, backwoods cousin who's bent on revenge";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$faced = "a maniac with a mohawk, a chainsaw, and a passion for 18th century romantic poetry";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$faced = "a vegan activist who's out for the blood of cow killers";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$faced = "a middle manager who wants those TPS reports... or else";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$faced = "a journalist who wants to cover the story-- of her own death";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$faced = "a murderous musician who only knows three chords";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$faced = "a deadly wienerdog";
} else {
$faced = "a former lover who just wants her mix tapes back";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$type = "hypnotic postmodern ";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$type = "tragic, and yet at the same time, pitifully comic ";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$type = "made-for-TV-but-sent-straight-to-video ";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$type = "Matrix-ish techno";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$type = "hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold ";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$type = "'ripped-from-the-headlines' ";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$type = "nailbiting, facemelting ";
} else {
$type = "nonstop superspeed action/";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$question = "What's love got to do with... anything at all";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$question = "What's for lunch? Seriously, I'm totally hungry... what's for lunch";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$question = "Who left their coat on my chair";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$question = "Who asked you anyway, asshat";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$question = "You want me to punch your ticket on the pain train? Is that what you want";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$question = "What happens with you combine a danish with a bagel? Is it a dagel or a banish";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$question = "What's that smell";
} else {
$question = "Why didn't I hear about this before";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$davinci = "SMITH";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$davinci = "BOOTLEG";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$davinci = "FEEBLEBRINX";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$davinci = "PERCULATOR";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$davinci = "ANSON";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$davinci = "BULLWINKLE";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$davinci = "CAPRICORN";
} else {
$davinci = "COLUMBUS";
}

$r = (rand()%8);
if (1 == $r) {
$code = "CYPHER";
} elseif (2 == $r) {
$code = "DIVISION";
} elseif (3 == $r) {
$code = "SYSTEM";
} elseif (4 == $r) {
$code = "RESOLUTION";
} elseif (5 == $r) {
$code = "ORDINANCE";
} elseif (6 == $r) {
$code = "ENDGAME";
} elseif (7 == $r) {
$code = "VENTURE";
} else {
$code = "AGENDA";
}

$blurb = "Former " . $former . " " . $name . " has" . $pre . ".

But when ” . $event . “, ” . $sex . “‘ll have to face “. $art . ” ” . $danger . “: ” . $faced . “!

In this ” . $type . “thriller, New York Times bestselling author Mike Schramm will have everyone daring to ask the question, ‘” . $question . “?!’

Don’t miss it!”;

echo “Coming this fall, to finer bookstores everywhere:

“;
echo “THE ” . $davinci . ” ” . $code . “
“;
echo “A new thriller by Mike Schramm

“;
echo $blurb; ?>

Recently, gossip columnist Lloyd Grove decided to start the New Year without Paris Hilton. He says that because of her antics, her hypocrisy, and her inanity, the goofy heiress will never again show up in his NY Daily News column (barring her discovering a cure for cancer, or, y’know, getting a high school diploma).

Which not only do I wholeheartedly agree with, but which prompted Boingboing.net blogger Xeni Jardin to go without using the overused word “blog” for– well, only 72 hours, but the thought’s the important thing.

And I’m all for all of this. Once the media starts realizing how repetitive and cliched it is, that’s when we’ll start seeing some actual originality. In fact, I’ve got my own phrase to abandon as a New Year’s resolution.

Never again, in any of my writing, will I use the idea that something is “better than all the other garbage out there.”

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I’ve used it before, multiple times. Though I can’t find the actual references, I know that on Retarded Jimmy’s I’ve lauded a television show for being “better than all the other crap on television,” and that I accept a movie with at least a few special effects as being “better than anything else that’s out there right now.” But no more.

No more will I let anything exist just by being better than all the other garbage out there. No more will I accept mediocrity, or simply assume that everything that’s not the thing I’m talking about is junk. I will never say “at least xxx is better than all the other xxx out there” again! Starting now!

I can hear you arguing with me right now, saying that this isn’t a big deal. That there is a lot of junk on TV, and it’s ok for something to merely be better than all the other junk.

But I say no! I say, I’m giving it up! And when I do, I’ll finally be great! I’ll be a terrific writer! My talent will be renowned wide and far, and people will read my work and speak my name for years to come! I’ll be in the history books– no, I’ll write the history books! I’ll be the best writer there ever was!

Or, at least I’ll be better than all the other crap writers out there.

Ok, starting now!

So I recently bought the Lord of the Rings DVD set. Extended versions of all the movies, plus two discs each of special features– in total, something like 16 hours of LOTR stuff, mostly consisting of 13 hours of the movies. I decided to start tonight with the extended version of Fellowship of the Ring, which clocks in at 3 1/2 hours. So I had a lot of time to cook something nice while I watched, and I chose lasagna.

There are plenty of different recipes around for it, and I haven’t made it ever before, so I didn’t really have one in particular. I kind of combined a few of them, and made up my own. The good thing about this version is that you don’t have to actually cook the noodles– heating them in the sauce cooks them enough. I even stopped by the famous Italian grocery store Bari Foods here in Chicago and picked up their original pasta sauce and homemade Italian sausage. If there’s one thing Chicagoan italians make, it’s sausage, baby.

Here’s what you’ll need:

1 lb Ricotta cheese
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
2 eggs
2 jars pasta sauce
1 pound Lasagna noodles (I guess if you wanted to be really hardcore, you could make them yourself, but so far that’s beyond my ken)
1 pound bulk Italian sausage
4 cups Mozzarella cheese
and, because I had it sitting around, a little oregano, a little basil, and a little parsley

Of course, you can adjust these ingredients as you like– this will make a pretty heavy lasagna. I actually used quite a bit less of everything, almost half really. For one thing, I’m not feeding a family, I’m just feeding myself (and my roommate sometimes), and for another thing, 1 pound of Ricotta cheese is a lot of cheese, so feel free to cut back if you like. As long as you keep everything in ratio, shouldn’t be a problem.

In a bowl, combine the eggs (beaten), Ricotta, and Parmesan. Mix that all up well, and add in the spices.

Meanwhile, put the sausage and a little bit of water in a big skillet, and let that brown up a bit. I even added a little garlic for flavor. Here are my favorite kitchen smells:

1) bread baking
2) meat cooking in skillet
3) chocolate chip cookies

Bread baking is, of course, a great smell, but next to that you can’t beat the smell of meat, especially sausage, sizzling in a skillet. So cook up that sausage, pour off the grease (I didn’t have any tonight, which means Bari gave me some terrific sausage), and grease up a baking dish (I used olive oil with a little bit of lemon juice tonight, which messed with the taste of the noodles a bit– probably just olive oil would have been fine).

Pan greased, sausage cooked, and cheese mixed, you can layer the stuff up. First is sauce, put a thin layer around the bottom (make sure you only use about 1/4 of the ingredients at a time, because you should build up three or four layers). Then lay the noodles in (if you want to cook them you can, but they’ll be fine uncooked as long as you use plenty of sauce), top with the cheese mix, then sausage, then a layer of mozza, then start all over again with the pizza sauce. Keep layering like this, at least three times, and then end with a layer of the mozzarella (garnish the top with parsley if you like).

And here’s the real key: once everything is layered and in, cover it with foil, and put it in the fridge. Let it sit there, and everything will mix, seep, and meld together. A friend of mine even recommended leaving it together overnight, and then cooking the next day, but I didn’t quite have that much time, since I needed to make it tonight.

So I went to put in Fellowship of the Ring. After a few hours or so, around the time when they actually create the Fellowship (“AND MY AXE!!”), preheat the oven to 350 degrees, and throw the whole pan in there, covered with foil and all.

Then go back to Lord of the Rings. About an hour later (during Frodo’s visit with Galadriel), pull it out, and let it sit for 15 minutes to let everything calm down and coagulate. That’s right, “coagulate.”

Pull off the foil and check it out– you’ve made Lord of the Rings lasagna! I cut a piece, put it on a plate, and went off to watch Boromir mess up royally, only to kill some orcs and make up for it.

I Require Sustenance runs every Wednesday at mikeschramm.com. If you’d like to suggest a recipe, or even be a guest cook, send an email.

What up, homies. It’s Monday. Just in case you didn’t know. Hope your weekend went well.

I just spent a really long time working on this, so go read that (and thanks for voting, if you did).

Once you get back here, you can read something I wrote a little while ago. Which is this:

In a subway station, an old man drops a dime as he fishes in his pocket for ticket change. A few hours later, a woman and her two-year-old son stop to ask directions from the tollbooth guard. Unbeknownst to the woman, the son picks up the dime, puts it in his mouth, and spits it out before they walk away. Two weeks later, the boy becomes very ill, but is back to normal after two weeks of antibiotics.

Alison has been practicing for weeks to play Hermia to Robert’s Lysander. After the premiere, Robert introduces her to his boyfriend, Stephen, and she gets a weird vibe from the meeting. Later that night, reading alone at home, she is surprised to realize that it is jealousy.

Sarah is cleaning out her closet. Hidden in a box she hasn’t touched in years is a potholder she had decorated in third grade to give to her mother. Her husband comes home to find her quietly wiping away tears.

Mark is walking to work and sees twenty dollars on the pavement. He picks it up, looks around, and pockets the bill. When a homeless man asks him for change a block from work, he shakes his head and says he doesn’t have any money.

Jenny returns to work from her lunch break affair with her boss just in time to find her husband of fifteen years waiting for her. He welcomes her back from lunch and says he can’t find the keys to the toolshed. He borrows hers, kisses her goodbye, makes a copy on the way back home, and doesn’t suspect anything. The toolshed keys have fallen behind the kitchen counter.

There is a black leather wallet on one of the bleachers at a baseball stadium. It sits there until the fifth inning, until a girl walking by notices it. She sits down, picks it up, and checks it for money, IDs, credit cards, photographs. She looks around, and then watches the game for a bit. After a few pitches, she replaces the wallet without removing anything and walks away. The home team loses their third game in a row.

Jeremy takes a business trip, and stays in a hotel during the conference. On a whim, he wanders downstairs to the lobby and borrows a phone book to look up Angela Harvey, a crush he hasn’t seen in years, but heard had moved to town. The phone book does have one number for a Harvey, Angela, and Jeremy walks over to the courtesy phone and dials. It rings twice, and a woman answers. Jeremy hangs up the phone and stands there momentarily, then walks back upstairs, and watches a movie on the free cable.